SKETCH COMP 9-15.02.08

Thanks for another crop of cunning stunts...

The current winner's FRANKIE RAGE! You win 10 points and a day's subscription to the site. (PM me for next week's subject plis.) Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Frankie
3 - 5 - Paul W
2 - 1 - Fred Peters

Dishonourable mention: Jude, Swerytd, Nigel Kelly, Danny, Charley and Richard.

The new subject is MARRIAGE, chosen at random by myself due to lack of winner's response.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 15 Feb 2008.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

77 - Frankie
65 - Charley Rance
60 - Baumski
50 - Jude
29 - Fred Peters
22 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
16 - Paul Watson
17 - Ellie
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
10 - Dannyjb1
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
05 - Nigel Kelly
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Winterlight
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm still trying to forgive Melanie C for reforming the Spice Girls and making her last video so frustrating. Thanks

Well, here's something I just knocked up...

SCENE: CHURCH. INT. DAY.
A WEDDING IS IN PROGRESS. IT IS THE END OF A WEDDING CEREMONY, AND THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE KISSING. THEY BREAK OFF.

VICAR:
You may now kiss the bride.

GROOM:
I do.

VICAR:
Do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to cherish and love, in sickness and in health?

BRIDE:
I do.

VICAR:
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to cherish and love, in sickness and in health?
SMALL PAUSE
Can I have the rings?

THE BRIDE AND GROOM TAKE OFF THEIR RINGS AND GIVE THEM TO THE BEST MAN, WHO POCKETS THEM WITH A CHURLISH SMILE.

THE COUPLE WALK BACKWARDS UP THE AISLE AND OUT THE DOOR. THE ORGANIST PUTS THE LID ON THE ORGAN. A GUEST WIPES AWAY A TEAR.

CUT TO:
LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY.
A MAN (THE GROOM) IS TUCKING HIS SON INTO BED.

MAN:
Well it doesn’t work like that, I don’t care what mummy says. It means she takes half of everything - including the house - and you’re probably never going to see daddy again except at weekends.

THE BOY BEGINS TO CRY.

ENDS.

DECENT PROPOSAL

A sketch by

Michael Monkhouse

Elegant lounge. CYNTHIA is filing her nails.
Enter LAURENCE, looking harassed. He paces up and down…

LAURENCE Cynthia! Oh my golly gosh…

CYNTHIA What is it Laurence?

LAURENCE I feel so frightfully nervous. I've never done this sort of thing but – ah by Gad, here goes.

He strides over to Cynthia.

LAURENCE Cynthia will you – will you…? (gets down on his knees, kisses her hand) Will you divorce me?

CYNTHIA (screams) I've waited so long for this moment… Of course I will.

LAURENCE Truly?

CYNTHIA Truly. (cries) Mama will be overjoyed.

LAURENCE (laughs) You've just made me the happiest man in Stoke.

CYNTHIA Stoke?

LAURENCE (gets up) In the world! And how do you feel about children?

CYNTHIA You take the bastards.

LAURENCE And the house?

CYNTHIA It's yours too.

LAURENCE Come let us make a post-nuptial agreement.

CYNTHIA You agree to f**k off for ever?

LAURENCE I shall. I shall f**k off and spend every night getting rat-arsed in the pub and wake up the next morning wanking myself silly over MTV.

CYNTHIA And I shall slag you off to my friends in the gym and tell them you're an ugly impotent half-assed son of a bitch.

LAURENCE (kisses her) My darling Cynthia.

CYNTHIA (kisses him) My sweet Laurence.

LAURENCE At least you would be – if it were true.

CYNTHIA (screams) You mean…?

LAURENCE Yes I've been joking.

CYNTHIA Oh my God.

LAURENCE I wouldn't really wank over MTV when I've got 'Razzle'.

END

Is this where we post them? Here goes....

STAR TREK FANS WEDDING DAY

BRIDE: …And have done ever since the moment I saw you. You are amazing and I cherish and adore you. So, I Aileen take you Spencer to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold, to love honour and obey for as long as we both shall live.

GROOM: (Seems lost) Am.. I, Sp-, Sp. I Spock.

PRIEST: Spencer!

GROOM: I Spencer. T-take my, yo- yo…

PRIEST: You!

GROOM: (Pointing at priest as if confirming what he said) Take the Yooo, the yoo-niverse.

PRIEST: Take you Aileen..

GROOM: Take you alien.

PRIEST: Aileen!

GROOM: I Spo, Spen…

PRIEST: (Impatiently) I Spencer take you Aileen!

GROOM: I Spencer take you Aileen to fix a warp core breach.

PRIEST: To be my lawfully wedded wife.

GROOM: Sorry (takes a deep breath and composes himself. He now speaks in a deep meaningful way)

I Spencer take you Aileen to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love honour and obey even if you are assimilated by the Borg.

PRIEST: (Getting very animated) Noo!! I take you Aileen to be my lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold, to love honour and obey for as long as we both shall live. You may now kiss the bride.

REALISATION HITS WITH THE PRIEST THAT HE HAS INADVERTANTLY MARRIED THE BRIDE. HE SHEEPISHLY KISSES THE BRIDE AND WALKS BACK DOWN THE AISLE ARM IN ARM WITH THE BRIDE SLOWLY WARMING TO THE IDEA.

GROOM: (Groom is clearly upset. He taps his chest looks upwards and in between sniffles says…) Mission failed. One to beam up.

TWO MEN CALLED TOM AND ERIC STANDING IN A BAR DISCUSSING MARRIAGE OVER A BEER.

TOM:I'm gonna marry me dog

ERIC: What?

TOM: I said I'm gonna marry me dog. But don't worry its male.

ERIC: What the hell has that got to do with anything?

TOM: Well me father always told me to make sure that I didn't marry a bitch.

INT. COUPLE SAT ON SOFA.

GARY:
It was a cool wedding.. fantastic honeymoon and your family have been wonderful.. but when are you going home?

MANDY:
Going home? Don’t be silly Gary, I’m your WIFE now! Like your mum was to your dad!

GARY:
God, but she was THERE all the time... ‘til dad shot her, er GOT shot of her.. well, I mean..

MANDY:
But it WAS an accident wasn’t it Gary?

GARY:
Yeah, mom had no business having the barrel up there in the first place!

MANDY:
You don’t own a gun do you?

GARY (EVASIVE):
Not exactly..

PHONE RINGS. GARY ANSWERS.

GARY (TENSE):
No, it’s GARY Pride.. g-a-R-y.. OK?

GARY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND KNOCKS IT OFF THE COFFEE TABLE. MANDY GETS UP AND PICKS UP THE PHONE.

MANDY (CONCERNED):
What’s WRONG darling, who was it..

GARY:
Those f**king queers agai- ..er, well ..wrong number..

MANDY:
Gary, you mustn’t swear so much and say horrid things about gay people..

GARY CLENCHES HIS FISTS, PUNCHES HIS PALM AND PULLS A FACE.

MANDY (SNUGGLES UP):
Oh Gary, I'm so happy and comfortable with you, I love it when we do things together...

GARY (BRIGHTENS SLIGHTLY):
Yeah, me too, but it's nice to have space to do some things on your own..

MANDY:
I can't think of anything that I'd rather do on my own than do it together!

GARY:
We-e-ll, maybe.. but..

MANDY:
Honestly, I like shopping with you, going to the pub with you, cooking together ..decorating the house, even going to work in the morning together, go on admit it, you're just the same! We're a perfect team! Real love-birds! Soul-mates!

GARY:
Maybe, but.. you still need some space to.. I mean..

MANDY:
Well, what?

GARY TURNS TO MANDY WITH REAL LOVING, GENTLE CONCERN.

GARY:
Well, f’r instance I don't want you there when I’m with a prozzie now do I!

INT
MARRIAGE GUIDANCE COUNCELLOR IN HIS OFFICE.
CAMERA VERY CLOSE UP.

MGC.
So Ian, you feel (Spreads his arms out, above his head) that your wife Anna, rebuffs any advances you make, within the (finger Quote) decision making environment.(Smug smile at the camera)

Ian Smith
I am not allowed to make any decisions, (Questioningly) am I Anna? (Rubs his chin)

MGC
You Anna feel (Spreads his arms out above his head) that your husband Ian, (Circles his fingers) may not show you enough (finger Quote) attention. In the Erm! (finger Quote) Conversational department.(Makes speaking motions with his hands to the camera)

Anna Smith.
He never listens to a word I say.

MGC
I think Anna, you (points) should put that question to (points) Ian.(Gives the thumbs up to the camera)

Anna Smith
You never listen to a word I say, do you Ian?

IAN IS FIDDLING WITH HIS WATCH.

Anna Smith
(Shouts) IAN!!! (Purses her lips)

MGC
(Coughs) Ian! (Ian faces the counsellor) Do you listen to what your wife has to say? (Shakes his head, in answer, at the camera)

Ian Smith
Erm. I can’t decide!

MGC
Right I can see (Circles his fingers & puts them up to his eyes) That both of you (Places his fingers together) have a lot of work to do on your (clenches his fist over the wedding finger of his other hand & wanks it) marriage.

THE COUPLE NOD IN AGREEMENT

MGC (Cont)
May I suggest a weekly session (Still wanking) Same time next week?

Anna
Right I suppose we had better get back eh Ian?

IAN IGNORES HER. THE MGC GESTURES TO IAN FOR HIM TO LEAVE.
IAN LOOKS INDECISIVE. ANNA'S MOUTH IS GOING UP & DOWN, WITH NO SOUND OMITTING..

THE CAMERA PANS BACK AS THEY STAND UP. ANNA PUTS HER VEIL BACK ON, IAN HIS TOP HAT.

END

The Vicar of Wibbly

INT. DAY. A CHURCH. A BRIDE IS TAKING HER VOWS.

Vicar:
Do you, Jessica Dorothy pudendum take Larry O’ Casey to be your lawful wedded husband?

Bride:
I do!

SHE SMILES.

vicar:
And do you, Larry O’Casey, take Jessica Dorothy Pudendum to be your lawful wedded wife?

THE CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL THAT THE GROOM IS A GARDEN GNOME.

Groom:
(In a high pitched Irish accent) I do, so!

THE VICAR TURNS TO THE BRIDE.

Bride:
I, Jessica Dorothy Pudendum, take you Larry O’ Casey, to be my wedded wedded husband, to hold, from tomorrow, for better, for worser, for richer, in sick and in cherish, so help me God.

THE VICAR TURNS TO THE GROOM:

Groom:
Er, so do I, now. And me bestest man will now give me a ring, for me new bride.

Vicar:
Er…

PULL BACK TO REVEAL THAT THE CONGREGATION IS MADE UP OF BALLOONS WITH FACES DRAWN ON AND THAT BEST MAN IS A PINEAPPLE DRESSED AS A PIRATE.

BEST MAN:
I’S GOTS THE RING RIGHT HERE, ME HEARTIES.

Vicar:
Look, this is absurd!

HE SQUASHES THE PINEAPPLE WITH HIS FOOT KICKS THE HEAD OFF THE GARDEN GNOME AND POPS SEVERAL BALLOONS.

vicar:
You’ll have to marry me – i’ll save you from this madness!
THE BRIDE SINKS TO HER KNEES.

Vicar:
While yer down there.

FADE TO BLACK. SFX: THE THEME FROM THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE. CUT TO THE VICAR MAKING CHOO CHOO NOISES AS HE CHASES A TRAIN AROUND HIS HUGE TRAIN SET. WEARING A STATIONMASTER’S CAP AND HER NOW SOILED WEDDING DRESS, THE BRIDE DUTIFULLY LOWERS A FLAG AS THE TRAIN GOES PAST.

Vicar:
Good lady, good lady.

Bride:
Is it time to suck your false teeth yet?

Vicar:
If it pleases madam.

SHE TAKES SOME FALSE TEETH FROM A JAR AND STARTS TO SUCK THEM. SFX ‘LOVE AND MARRIAGE’ BY FRANK SINATRA.

FADE

THIS IS NOT MY ENTRY BY THE WAY - LOL.

ONE OF MY INFAMOUS (COCK-UP) SPACES.

MAN : You know what?

WOMAN : What's that love?

MAN : I think our marriage has run its course.

WOMAN : Oh no - don't say that.

She bursts out crying.

MAN : Oh come on - you must realise that things are getting stale.

WOMAN : Don't you love me anymore?

MAN : I'm not sure I ever did.

Woman starts to bawl her eyes out.

WOMAN : So why did you pretend you did then?

MAN : Well basically for a shag really.

WOMAN : Was that all I ever was to you?

MAN : Well to be honest yes.

WOMAN : So why now? After all this time?

MAN : I've found someone else.

WOMAN : How long has it been going on?

MAN : About 5 minutes.

WOMAN : 5 minutes? How can you love someone after only knowing them for 5 minutes?

MAN : Well the same way I knew I DIDN'T love you after 5 minutes.

WOMAN : So all this time we've been living a lie.

MAN : No - just me.

WOMAN : Well actually I felt the same way - but I never knew how to tell you.

MAN : You evil bitch. How could you?

Quote: David Chapman @ February 14, 2008, 9:03 PM

View original

Is this the husband trying to get a word in edgeways Dave?

"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY"

INT - BREAKFAST TABLE - MORNING

A LOVEY-DOVEY HUSBAND AND WIFE, THE LATTER ARRIVING FROM THE FRONT DOOR WITH 2 PAIRS OF IDENTICAL LETTERS. SHE SITS DOWN FLUFFILY.

WIFE:
We're so lucky fate's put us together!

HUSBAND:
(smiles his confirmation)
Yes - you like Two Pints... and I like Two Pints... too!

WIFE:
And that’s quite unusual!

THEY LAUGH.

HUSBAND:
You were adopted and so was I!

WIFE:
And that’s quite unusual!
(she hands one of the pair of letters to the husband)
Here, we've even got the same post!
(knowingly)
On Valentine's day? Could this be a card I wonder?

HUSBAND:
You first, wifey.

WIFE:
You first, hubby.

THEY EXCHANGE A FLIRTY LOOK

HUSBAND AND WIFE (IN UNISON):
Together then!
(They giggle)
Always together!

THEY OPEN ENVELOPES TO REVEAL IDENTICAL VALENTINE'S CARDS TO EACH OTHER, AND THEY SMILE

WIFE:
I love you, hubby!

HUSBAND:
I love you, wifey!

THEY KISS.

HUSBAND:
We’ve so much in common. The same age…

HE PICKS UP THE REMAINING LETTERS.

WIFE:
The same *birthday*! My God! What are the chances?

HUSBAND:
And the same letters! The Home Office! You first wifey!

WIFE:
You first hubby!

THEY EXCHANGE A FLIRTY LOOK

HUSBAND AND WIFE (IN UNISON):
Together then!
(They giggle)
Always together!

THEY OPEN THE REMAINING OFFICIAL-LOOKING LETTERS AND READ THEM TO THEMSELVES IN EXACT UNISON. AS THEY READ ON, PASSING OCCASIONAL AWKWARD GLANCES, THEIR CHEERINESS FADES UNTIL THEY EACH FINISH LOOKING DISTRAUGHT.

HUSBAND:
(looking sour)
You’ve been shagging your brother!

WIFE:
(looking sour)
You’ve been shagging your sister!
(beat)
And that’s *very* unusual.

PAUSE.

HUSBAND AND WIFE (IN UNISON):
(to each other)
You sick f**ker!

AND THEY LEAVE THE TABLE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS, SOBBING.

Quote: David Chapman @ February 14, 2008, 9:03 PM

THIS IS NOT MY ENTRY BY THE WAY - LOL.

ONE OF MY INFAMOUS (COCK-UP) SPACES.

View original

I do not want to eat again, EVER!!!

INT. DAY. PUB. A MAN IS AT BAR ALONE AND IS APPROACHED BY ANOTHER MAN.

STEVE: Hello Jim, long time no see. How the hell are you?

JIM: Never better. Me and the missus split up.

STEVE: I didn’t even know you were married, who was she?

JIM: My wife.

STEVE: Your still a smart arse, I see. Was she a bad one?

JIM: She was and she wasn’t. As far as bigamists go, she wasn’t the worse.

STEVE: A bloody bigamist Jim, and a female one at that. You can pick them.

JIM: Ah well. We still get on. You have to when you live with her and six other men.

STEVE: What nonsenical set up are you involved in you big fool? You’ll be going on a gap year next.

JIM: It might appear to outsiders as quite strange but it runs like clockwork Steve. She has her own quarters and the men all sleep in a dorm.

STEVE: You're telling porkies you wurzel.

JIM: We’re still co-habiting. Its just that I’m out of the loop at the minute as regards bedroom manoeuvres.

STEVE: I really think you are talking absolute shite Jim.

JIM: Should God strike me down after I finish this pint Steve, its true. (says to barman) Isn’t it Bobby?

CAMERA REVEALS 85 YEAR OLD BARMAN STRUGGLING WITH A BEER KEG.

Barman: Damn bloody right its true! That bitch has cost me 7 wedding receptions.

ENDS.

INT. LOUNGE - DAY

A married couple, PAUL and MARY, are arguing. Both look as if they have been crying.

MARY: That's it, we cannot carry on like this....I want a divorce.
PAUL: No! don't say that, we can work this out?
MARY: No, I don't think we can paul. We've got to move on.
PAUL: Okay, fair enough. Just hang on one minute.

PAUL EXITS AND THEN RETURNS AFTER TWENTY SECONDS, CARRYING A CARVING KNIFE.
HE GOES UPTO MARY AND CHOPS OFF HER HAND.

MARY: What the hell was that for...oh jesus christ!
PAUL: You gave me your hand in marraige...and your not having it back!
END.