Kerry Moon - Norman meets Mandog

INT.BAR

NORMAN SITS DOWN AT BAR DEEP IN THOUGHT AND NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO THE NOISY, ROWDY ATMOSPHERE AS GROUP OF DRUNK MEN LARK AROUND.BARMAN APPROACHES NORMAN.

BARMAN

What can I get you?

NORMAN

A pint of bitter, a large vodka and a packet of ready salted crisps please.

BARMAN PLACES ORDER ON BAR.

BARMAN

That will be £7.20 please

NORMAN PAYS THE BARMAN AND DOWNS BOTH THE VODKA AND PINT.BARMAN COMES BACK WITH NORMANS CHANGE.

NORMAN

Can I have the same again please?

BARMAN

Sure, no problem

NORMAN

In fact will you just bring the bottle of vodka over and forget about the pint.

BARMAN

Fine,but take it easy.

PLACES CLEAN GLASS AND BOTTLE OF VODKA IN FRONT OF NORMAN WHO PROCEEDS TO POUR HIMSELF A LARGE SERVING AND DRINKS IT IN ONE GO.

MANDOG

Tough day at the office?

NORMAN TURNING HEAD TO REPLY

NORMAN

You could say th......

LOOKS AROUND BUT CAN'T SEE ANYONE

MANDOG

Down here on the floor

NORMAN LOOKS DOWN AND IS STARTLED WHEN HE SEES MAN IN DOG COSTUME TETHERED TO FOOT REST.

NORMAN

What the fu...

MANDOG

Stag do. Getting married in the morning and my so called mates thought it would be hilarious to dress me up like this. It wouldn't be so bad if they really were my mates but it's just my fiances brother and his mates.

NORMAN POURS HIMSELF ANOTHER DRINK

NORMAN

Want a drink? Crisp?

MANDOG

Oh yes please. I'm starving. The bastards haven't fed me all day and I was told that I wouldn't need to bring my wallet. Their treat and all.

NORMAN

Can I have another glass please.

MANDOG

Oh no no! not in a glass. If you can just pour it in my bowl and drop some crisps on the floor.

NORMAN

What?.... Why?

MANDOG

Forfeit if I don't do as I'm told, like drinking from the dog bowl. Can't even use the gents. I have to go against a lamp post and let me tell you that's already lead to a few accidents. Twice I've had my nose rubbed in wee as a punishment.Wouldn't have been so bad if it was my own.

(Pouring vodka into bowl and crisps onto floor)

NORMAN

Well here's to a long and happy marriage. Cheers.

NORMAN KNOCKS BACK VODKA BUT NOTICES MANDOG DOESN'T TOUCH HIS.

Not drinking?

MANDOG

Ask for a paw.

NORMAN

Ask for a paw?

(LOOKING OVER TO BROTHER-IN-LAW AND FRIENDS WHO ARE NOW WATCHING)

MANDOG

Can't drink until I'm asked for and then give a paw

NORMAN

Can I have a paw?

MAN DOG GIVES NORMAN A PAW THEN ROLLS ON BACK WITH ARMS AND LEGS IN THE AIR

MANDOG

Now rub my belly, tell me I'm a good boy and make it convincing.

NORMAN DOES AS MANDOG ASKS.MANDOGS LEFT LEG TWITCHES AS HE IS RUBBED.

NORMAN

There, there ,who's a good boy, oh you like that don't you, you clever boy. Now go get a drink go on!

STAG-DO GIVE A LOUD CHEER

(SIGHING)MANDOG

Cheers

A lovely little caper that wouldn't surprise me to hear was a true story.

Funny and fun which is hard to do so well done.

Excellent just excellent a perfect self contained parcel of fun

Excellent just excellent a perfect self contained parcel of fun

That is very good and funny, I would have stopped at asking for the paw bit, but I am lazy like that and what to get out as quick as I got in. Good visuals and good dialogue.

Cute. Although I think you can establish that Norman has had a bad day a bit quicker - a lot of the first third seemed a bit superfluous.

It's a nice idea, but there's not really any big laughs in there for me. A bit too low key. Jennie is right about trimming the start too.

The humour here's all in the visuals, so I'd trim the dialogue to a bare minimum

-----
A MISERABLE-LOOKING NORMAN KNOCKS BACK A WHISKY AND IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO POUR ANOTHER ONE.

MANDOG

Tough day at the office?

NORMAN TURNING HEAD TO REPLY

NORMAN

You could say th......

LOOKS AROUND BUT CAN'T SEE ANYONE

MANDOG

Down here on the floor

NORMAN LOOKS DOWN AND IS STARTLED WHEN HE SEES MAN IN DOG COSTUME TETHERED TO FOOT REST.

NORMAN

What the fu...

MANDOG (miserable)

Stag do.

NORMAN

Oh (beat) Drink?

MANDOG (as Norman tries to hand him the glass)

No... not in the glass.
-----

... gets you to the funny bit

As a one off sketch would work very nicely, enjoyed it.

Quote: enigmatic @ August 6 2013, 8:31 PM BST

The humour here's all in the visuals, so I'd trim the dialogue to a bare minimum

-----
A MISERABLE-LOOKING NORMAN KNOCKS BACK A WHISKY AND IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO POUR ANOTHER ONE.

MANDOG

Tough day at the office?

NORMAN TURNING HEAD TO REPLY

NORMAN

You could say th......

LOOKS AROUND BUT CAN'T SEE ANYONE

MANDOG

Down here on the floor

NORMAN LOOKS DOWN AND IS STARTLED WHEN HE SEES MAN IN DOG COSTUME TETHERED TO FOOT REST.

NORMAN

What the fu...

MANDOG (miserable)

Stag do.

NORMAN

Oh (beat) Drink?

MANDOG (as Norman tries to hand him the glass)

No... not in the glass.
-----

... gets you to the funny bit

View original

I like this and I like the original version. I think both work but in diferent settings.

Thank you very much for the feedback. Was wondering if it comes across more as a sketch rather then a scene from the larger story it is part of. The reason why I didn't make it shorter is because I wanted it to seem a little drawn out to give the feeling of frustration being felt by Norman and Mandog. As the plot develops the intention is for the story to become sharper as these two characters find their true self. Don't know if this makes sense or not. Any help greatly appreciated.

It came across as a sketch to me, hence my suggestion that stripping out the scene-setting and context would get to the part with funny lines and actions quicker. As sootyj says, it can work differently in different settings

I'm not really sure where you'd take it from here; a guy reluctantly rubbing the tummy of a complete stranger seems like a nice closing image. Maybe you should post the next bit.

Can't resist posting this alternative version either:
--

MANDOG

Bet you think you've had a tough week?

NORMAN TURNING HEAD TO REPLY

NORMAN

You could say th......

LOOKS AROUND BUT CAN'T SEE ANYONE

MANDOG

Down here on the floor

NORMAN LOOKS DOWN AND IS STARTLED WHEN HE SEES A VERY THIN MAN IN DOG COSTUME TETHERED TO FOOT REST.

NORMAN

What the fu...

MANDOG
Stag do.

NORMAN LOOKS AROUND AN EMPTY BAR

MANDOG
Was my stag do. Last Friday.

Really like this version,short and very funny.I posted another part of the story, related to the stag do on, the 25th July.
"a snippet from Kerry Moon-introducing Hypnotits"
I would put a link on but do not have a clue how to. Feel free to read, critique and re-write.
Ta very much for feedback.