Yeah.
I am slowly coming to realise that there is a reason there are a lot of flat based sitcoms!
It is interesting, the first draft of this had a lot of legal funnies in it. It had my lawyer friends laughing (after a couple of bottles of sauvignon, still)
But law isn't funny. People are funny. Hence a more character driven second draft.
I'm scared to write for radio. I don't really know how. But I feel that is the way I am going.
a few ideas on an intro hope you don't mind.
SCENE1
ELLIE GETS ONTO A BUS SHE HAS A SMALLISH PURSE, AND AN ALDI CARRIER BAG. SHE SWIPES HER OYSTER A BLOKE PUSHES PAST HE HAS A STARBUCKS CUP IN HIS HAND HE DOES THE "GET OUT OF MY WAY SHUFFLE" WITH ELLIE, AS HE PASSES HE DUMPS HIS CUP IN HER ALDI BAG.
ELLIE SITS IN THE ONE FREE SEAT LOOKS IN HER BAG
ELLIE
Aaagh litigate my life I just got that cleaned.
ELLIE PULLS OUT HER RATHER SAD LOOKING WIG WHICH IS COVERED IN THE DREGS OF A LATTE. ELLIE DUMPS THE PLASTIC BAG AND JAMS THE WIG INTO HER HANDBAG IT PATHETICALLY FLOPS OVER THE SIDE.
ELLIE PULLS OUT HER PHONE AND STARTS YACKING ON IT.
ELLIE
The one day I need my wig clean and it stinks of Star yucks, I just had it dry cleaned.
A FUSSY OLD LADY WITH 3 YAPPY DOGS GETS ON THE BUS AND STANDS BY ELLIE AND STARTS TUTTING.
ELLIE
I know it's streaked, the judge is going to think I got highlights in it to match my hair.
FUSSY OLD WOMAN IS TUTTING MORE LOUDLY
ELLIE
Gimme a moe someone wants my seat.
ELLIE STARTS TO GET UP, THE FUSSY OLD LADY STARTS HITTING ELLIE WITH HER HANDBAG AND HER DOGS START NIPPING HER
FUSSY OLD LADY
I don't want your seat you patronizing witch! That dog in your bag is too big, it's not a fashion accessory!
FUSSY OLD LADY WHIPS THE WIG OUT OF ELLY'S BAG AND DROPS IT ON THE FLOOR WHERE THE DOGS TEAR AT IT.
FUSSY OLD LADY
He's dead!
ELLIE
He's not a dog, he's my wig I have to wear him.
BUS GOES SILENT.
FUSSY OLD LADY
I'm sorry my dear I didn't know. You look very well.
BUS HAS GONE SILENT
ELLIE
Oh I don't have cancer I'm a barrister.
BUS STOP, EVERYONE STARTS MUTTERING
DRIVER
Get off.
ELLIE RETRIEVES HER WIG AND HER HANDBAG WITH WHAT LITTLE DIGNITY SHE HAS LEFT GETS OFF THE BUS
SCENE 1.5
ELLIE IN CHAMBERS IS TALKING TO SOMEONE ON HER MOBILE.
ELLIE
I gave up my seat on the bus and I got bitten, bullied and beaten that 's the last time I do something that's big of me. Big of me is stupid and if I ever do something big of me, I deserve to be torn apart by wild hounds.
ELLIE TURNS AND SEE'S CHARLES STARING AT HER.
ELLIE
Hang on a mo, hey Charles how did the trial go?
CHARLES
Convicted of bigamy but it seems you knew that already.
Sooty! Some of that is complete genius. I love the cancer bit (probably the first time I've ever said those words), I love the dog..
You are fabulous.
Oh it's pretty rough stuff, but I wouldn't have written it if the original hadn't been inspiring.
The bigamy stuff is pretty shit, but I wanted to give some idea of a "bigamy" "big of me" double entendre.
Well, I really liked it. Thank you 
Okay coming to this late, and only really because I am bored and have already looked at every other thread (please shoot me). I had actually assumed that because you had reached five pages that there was some sort of Cotter style bunfight going on.
I have to say I am disappointed that you can actually write and accept criticism gracefully. Still I might as well see if I can get a rise out of you...
In the original opening the bigamy revelation seemed too much too soon; lets get to know the guy a bit first so we can put some context on that piece of information. (Have you considered having them discuss the bigamy trial Charles has lost and then using the fact that he was the defendant as a reveal?)
That reworked opening scene is not really an opening scene, there is too much backstory that the audience is being asked to work out.
Quote: Jennie @ August 5 2013, 2:23 PM BSThaving written it out, I think I might keep going with it.
Definitely - anything is easier to work with than blank paper.
Hi
I am new, (new on this forum that is... not a new person) and have been reading this thread with interest. I like the original opening scenes and think there has been some good constructive criticism on this thread and haven't much more to add. Something that no one seems to have mentioned with regards to the New Opening scene is... Isn't Charles supposed to be a permanent Character in this sitcom ? If so, doesn't him being a convicted bigamist have a bearing on this ? I am not a legal expert but wouldn't there be consequences of his conviction i.e a prison sentence or at the very least not being able to practice law ? Apologies if I've missed something here ?
Hi Betty, welcome
Make yourself at home. Do you write yourself? Get stuck in here.
Thanks for your comments. Barristers can still practice with criminal convictions, the test is whether they are still a 'fit and proper person to be at the Bar of England and Wales.' There is nothing fit or proper about Charles, but he is excellent at networking. He avoided a prison sentence for his minor marital miscalculation
Quote: Tursiops @ August 6 2013, 12:44 AM BSTOkay coming to this late, and only really because I am bored and have already looked at every other thread (please shoot me).
I'm honoured
Quote: Tursiops @ August 6 2013, 12:44 AM BSTIn the original opening the bigamy revelation seemed too much too soon; lets get to know the guy a bit first so we can put some context on that piece of information.
I agree with this. In the original, I wrote it as a character button (check me with the lingo!) But you are right, it is quite a big revelation.
Quote: Tursiops @ August 6 2013, 12:44 AM BST. (Have you considered having them discuss the bigamy trial Charles has lost and then using the fact that he was the defendant as a reveal?)
No I hadn't. But I really like that.
"Barristers can still practice with criminal convictions"
Ha Ha... I suppose, thinking about it, that's not a massive surprise.
I also love the term "marital miscalculation"
"using the fact that he was the defendant as a reveal?"
That's what I intended - when I suggested Charles should be in his 'usual' barrister position in the court (maybe extoling the virtues of the 'defendant') when the Judge asks him if he wouldn't mind taking his position for sentencing -we then see he goes to stand in the dock!
CHARLES: Why is she getting someone else to write her sitcom?
ELLIE: She needs all the help she can get.
CHARLES: That is unfair. It's just a pilot.
ELLIE: But it's hardly up to a professional standard. It's not even semi professional. Or demi-semi professional.
CHARLES: Maybe. but it's better than a student film script. She's got a BTEC in media studies.
ELLIE: So?
CHARLES: So it's funny.
ELLIE: It's not funny.
CHARLES: It's subtle. You are just too stupid to get it.
ELLIE: It's not funny.
CHARLES: Well, it makes her laugh. That's all that counts. That makes it funny.
ELLIE: Marc P hated it.
CHARLES: Marc P was looking at it from the wrong angle. He's a bit dim like that. If he looked at it head on, he'd love it. Besides, he's completely the wrong demographic.
ELLIE: The wrong demographic?
CHARLES: She wrote it specifically for people born on 11th July 1984. Like her. She's writing for her contemporaries.
ELLIE: Well, you've answered my every objection. I have completely changed my mind. She's a genius. This is the Fawlty Towers of the new millennium.
CHARLES: Correct.
The unsolvable conundrum solved in the last minute is an excellent tool
A simple one is Ellie finds some last minute evidence or perjurs herself
Leaving charles for ever in her debt
Even if he is senior
The unsolvable conundrum solved in the last minute is an excellent tool
A simple one is Ellie finds some last minute evidence or perjurs herself
Leaving charles for ever in her debt
Even if he is senior
Quote: Jennie @ August 6 2013, 12:23 PM BSTCHARLES: Why is she getting someone else to write her sitcom?
ELLIE: She needs all the help she can get.
CHARLES: That is unfair. It's just a pilot.
ELLIE: But it's hardly up to a professional standard. It's not even semi professional. Or demi-semi professional.
CHARLES: Maybe. but it's better than a student film script. She's got a BTEC in media studies.
ELLIE: So?
CHARLES: So it's funny.
ELLIE: It's not funny.
CHARLES: It's subtle. You are just too stupid to get it.
ELLIE: It's not funny.
CHARLES: Well, it makes her laugh. That's all that counts. That makes it funny.
ELLIE: Marc P hated it.
CHARLES: Marc P was looking at it from the wrong angle. He's a bit dim like that. If he looked at it head on, he'd love it. Besides, he's completely the wrong demographic.
ELLIE: The wrong demographic?
CHARLES: She wrote it specifically for people born on 11th July 1984. Like her. She's writing for her contemporaries.
ELLIE: Well, you've answered my every objection. I have completely changed my mind. She's a genius. This is the Fawlty Towers of the new millennium.
CHARLES: Correct.
Quote: sootyj @ August 6 2013, 12:31 PM BSTA simple one is Ellie finds some last minute evidence or perjurs herself
I considered this kind of thing. Problem is, it's quite difficult to do without it becoming too legally.
But don't worry, she gets her own back - she ends up prosecuting him in his next sexual assault trial.
Quote: Marc P @ August 6 2013, 1:34 PM BST
Why ?
Quote: playfull @ August 6 2013, 12:19 PM BST"using the fact that he was the defendant as a reveal?"
That's what I intended - when I suggested Charles should be in his 'usual' barrister position in the court (maybe extoling the virtues of the 'defendant') when the Judge asks him if he wouldn't mind taking his position for sentencing -we then see he goes to stand in the dock!
Ah, I see. Well, definitely considering doing something like this!
Jennie my input for what it's worth would be to scrap the defendant being in Barrister garb as it is more farfetched than funny.
I would also change the dialogue with the guards as it is far too informal given the respective offices held.
I would also bin the popcorn.
The reason behind my advice is that you need the polarity of the gravitas of the setting and the seriousness its custodians to be juxtaposed with almost covert asinine capers going on in the background for it to work.
That's my take on it anyway, while I'm on can I state it's nice to be involved in such a long thread bereft of swear words and thinly veiled death threats.