Cheers Writer2k & Mana.
It is improving every time I edit it.
Soon all I will have is the Title 
Begging on my Knees.(For honest crit) Pls,pls. Page 3
I did get the start read out at a scriptwriting group and it did seem to go down well.
The petrol pump attandant is maybe a bit cliched but I liked the idea (mine) that a petrol station is primarily for petrol.
Quote: M Lewis @ February 14, 2008, 9:58 AMAside from the writing issues already mentioned....no one was very likeable. It seemed a bit of a chavy family (and i'm sure it deviates from real life here to make it "funny") so i felt little interest in anyone.
The wife is calling her husband a twat in almost her first sentence, shes sharing drugs with her teenage kids, and everyone just abused each other.
What do you expect? It's based on Charley's family.
Quote: bushbaby @ February 14, 2008, 2:03 PManother tip Charley, you always have the 'laugh' words at the end of a sentence because if you carry on after that the audience are laughing (hopefully) and won't hear the last words.
so for instance, Gavins dialogue should end at.....
'getting yourself all foetused up.'
Good point BB. Something I'd never really consciously thought about. Will bear it in mind.
We have reworked it to make it a bit more "eye-friendly" and I think will put on a couple of scenes at a time to make it easier.
I find that the piece is basically all conflict and is not balanced.
You need a story to build up to a climax with problems along the way which only get resolved in the last few minutes of the script.
What is the main problem in this storyline? Where does it peak?
I'm sorry charley, I couldn't keep reading, down to a few reasons, a lot of characters started confusing me, I'm tired and I'm eating.
It's good reading loads of your stuff I see where most of it is coming from so I enjoyed it.
Some of the dialogue needs trimming down in my opinion and cleaning up along with some gags. But besides that it's a solid script, and I hope you do well with it.
To be fair to her this is the one Charley and I have been bouncing off each other - so it's not all her fault.
Quote: David Chapman @ February 14, 2008, 8:30 PMTo be fair to her this is the one Charley and I have been bouncing off each other - so it's not all her fault.
It's funny David and there's a lot of good stuff in there. It just needs a good construction, that's why I keep 'butting' in, it's resolvable and worth working on 
Thanks BB. It's just a question of how much we strip it down and start again.
Quote: Charley @ February 14, 2008, 1:50 PMI agree 100%. James Williams, very kindly,PM'd me & showed how you can say the exact same thing with less dialogue. Dialogue is one of my worst points. I find it difficult to say what I want to say.
I have to disagree, Charley. In my opinion dialogue is almost certainly your best point. The things that your family characters say ring true, and I honestly think you have the most unique voice for comic dialogue I have read on here (that's a compliment, by the way).
I think James is right as well, but in making it shorter please don't lose that unique voice that you have.
What might not be as good so far is the narrative to make it work as a story. I admit I still haven't read it all. I'm slow. But the main thing coming through so far is that it reads like a series of sketches rather than a sitcom episode.
More to follow when I've finished it.
Quote: Badge @ February 14, 2008, 10:51 PMI have to disagree, Charley. In my opinion dialogue is almost certainly your best point. The things that your family characters say ring true, and I honestly think you have the most unique voice for comic dialogue I have read on here (that's a compliment, by the way).
Of course dialogue is what she's best at. That's what her sketches are all about.
It's just that she needs a bit of discipline!
Badge, dialogue is more than just conversation, each sentence has to be slick and furthering a story and proper to a character. It can't just be 'shoved' in there because it's witty or whatever
Quote: bushbaby @ February 14, 2008, 11:21 PMBadge, dialogue is more than just conversation, each sentence has to be slick and furthering a story and proper to a character. It can't just be 'shoved' in there because it's witty or whatever
Yeah. I know. I think I said something similar but differently. I just don't want Charley to go losing her unique voice cos that's the bit that makes her stuff different.
And David's also involved too.
Yea, she's got talent it just needs pruning. I don't wish to deflate her at all, it's just that she can be great rather than good.
Here's an example of what I mean with dialogue.
Woman 1
You don't seem to be happy Julie, is your marriage not going well? You do seem depressed.
Instead of all that exessive speel, and bear in mind it's for the viewer/listener, it would be better like this....
Woman 1
I see you've started biting your nails since your wedding day.
That's slicker and 'clipped' not overwritten and it tells the viewer that Julie's marriage is a mistake and she's not happy....all in one line
I think we are agreeing BB. 
great
Quote: Charley @ February 14, 2008, 5:45 PMCheers Writer2k & Mana.
It is improving every time I edit it.
Soon all I will have is the Title
Why not simply try to rewrite it from memory of just the parts you personaly remember as good charley. I sometimes think its easier than editing something that you are unsure about. I often just delete a bit if I don't think its good and it seems to stop me poncing about with it and getting bogged down.
I read a bit but it lacked any initial hook to make me want to read on and understand it.
I know fukk all by the way. 