Int. Kitchen
Mr Mace - an old man - is sat at a table reading the paper. A gardener enters from outside.
Gardener:
Mr Mace, I'm finished now. I've raked the garden and tidied up a bit.
Mr Mace:
I shall be the judge of that, young man!
Mr Mace gets up, shuffles over to the window and looks out.
Mr Mace:
This is preposterous! Absolutely preposterous!
Gardener:
What?
Mr Mace:
You've dumped a load of wood at the bottom of my garden!
Gardener:
Where?!
Mr Mace:
Don't pretend you can't see it! There's practically an army of woodlice marching towards it! (POINTS WILDLY)
Gardener:
That's your fence.
Mr Mace:
Don't get funny with me, Gerry Greenfingers! I may look old, but believe me, I still know how to knock a man to the ground! Look!
Mr Mace pulls a photo out from his trouser pocket and hands it to the gardener.
Mr Mace:
This is me in my heyday! You see! Standing over someone else who tried to get in my way!
Gardener:
Isn't this Muhammad Ali?
Mr Mace:
Don't make me take my belt off!
Mr Mace:
Look, it's £15 for the hour, so-
Mr Mace:
That's it! I've had enough!
Mr Mace starts trying to unbuckle his belt, but struggles.
Mr Mace:
You're lucky my arthritis has practically crippled every joint in my body!
The gardener steps forward. Mr Mace screams and jumps up on a chair.
Gardener:
Woah! Woah! Woah! I'm not going to hurt you! I just want the £15!
Mr Mace climbs down from the chair.
Mr Mace:
This is absolutely humiliating!
Mr Mace starts unbuttoning his shirt.
Gardener:
What are you doing?
Mr Mace:
You insisted! You insisted upon me paying in kind!
Mr Mace starts taking his trousers off. The gardener looks horrified.
Gardener:
Jesus Christ!
The gardener runs out.
Mr Mace:
There just ain't no pleasing some people.
ENDS
