I like it up until the end.
Don't really buy/like the 'prices' bit.
And the last line is the default end-line for every 'difficult shopkeeper' sketch ever written.
Didn't stop a lot of people using it - but I think you can do better.
Has the looney quality of old Fry & Laurie 'shop' sketches.
I've just reread this, and I think the problem with it - small though it is - is that it's sort of a mixture between three different set-ups.
Are the servers phenomenally stupid, as is the default setting for fast food servers? Are they surreally odd, imagining ghosts in the PA? Or are they tricksters, wilfully enraging the puntermand diddling them out of the cost of an ice cream at the end?
I think there are lines that poin to to all three, and all are equally good lines, but I'd like to see just oen of them; if the server had a static character, it would make the punter's increasing rage/confusion (which you've written well, BTW) so much more pleasing.
I guess what I'm really saying after all that is, I don't go for this as a sketch ab initio, but as a scene in a film/sit com where we knew the character of the punter, it could be fantastic.
Quote: Angry Bear @ August 3 2013, 6:56 AM BSTIt's not a put down. Don't be so sensitive, mate. I don't mind a bit of criticism. It's just yours is a bit pretentious. I don't think you're trying to help me. You're just trying to look clever. And it's all a bit naff to be honest
This is a comedy forum - I try to make people laugh with what I write. I was trying to point out the problems in your sketch and be funny/entertaining at the same time.
No-one reads stuff in critique unless they love comedy and want to help writers. Why would you?
Quote: Godot Taxis @ August 3 2013, 2:19 PM BSTThis is a comedy forum - I try to make people laugh with what I write. I was trying to point out the problems in your sketch and be funny/entertaining at the same time.
No-one reads stuff in critique unless they love comedy and want to help writers. Why would you?
Okay, that's fair enough. If I misunderstood you then I apologise
Nice sketch. Liked the dialogue. With some trimming it could be even more funny.