First 3/4 pages of my sitcom

People tend to say they know whether a script is any good within the first 10 pages. I actually think you can figure that out after the 3rd or 4th page. So I'm just concentrating on honing my first 3 or 4 pages, to try and make sure the reader doesn't negatively make up there mind early on.

Thoughts? I'm not sure whether to post a synopsis, but basically each episode focuses on a different member of the family with them narrating it, for the pilot it focuses on the Mother, Shelley.

INT. DIMLY LIT ROOM. DAY

A HEAD ON SHOT OF SHELLEY KIDNEY, A 45 YEAR OLD BLONDE HAIRED WOMAN, DRESSED UP SMARTLY. SHE'S SITTING IN A CHAIR LOOKING ANXIOUS.

SHELLEY
I can explain...

INT. KIDNEY HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY

CLOSE UP PAN OF OLD MEMORABILIA, PHOTOS AND FRAMED NEWSPAPERS OF LOGAN KIDNEY. A HAND IS REMOVING THEM FROM THE CABINET. 'THE WAY WE WERE' BY BARBARA STREISAND PLAYS.

SHELLEY WALKS INTO THE ROOM AS LOGAN IS PACKING HIS ITEMS. SHE WALKS UP TO A PORTABLE STEREO AND PRESSES STOP.

SHELLEY
Been on a loop for nearly two hours now, maybe that's enough Barbara.

SHELLEY NARRATOR (V/O)
This is my Husband, Logan Kidney. I say Husband, we've been split up for the past 4 years. The reason for this was there was somebody else. Vernon...

CLOSE UP ON NEWSPAPER WHERE WE SEE A PHOTO OF LOGAN AND SHELLEY LOOKING HAPPY TOGETHER, A SHORT PAN ACROSS REVEALS A MAN KISSING LOGAN ON THE CHEEK.

...his ventriloquist dummy.

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL LOGAN HOLDING HIS VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY VERNON, WHO INCIDENTALLY IS A PUPPET VENTRILOQUIST HOLDING A MONKEY. THE NEWSPAPER HEADLINE IS 'FLAMBOYANT MAN ENJOYS VENTRILOQUISM'

Everywhere we'd go, everything we'd do, he'd be there too. It was like I was married to the both of them! The marriage lost its spark a long time ago but today is the day I get my freedom.

LOGAN
...Look, I know I've taken a lot of things, if there's anything you'd like to keep just say so...

SHELLEY
Okay...

SHELLEY LOOKS INTO THE TROLLEY AND MOVES A FEW ITEMS AROUND. SHE SPOTS SOMETHING SHE'S VISIBLY KEEN ON. IT'S A FRAMED PHOTO OF LOGAN AND HIS PUPPET, VERNON THE VENTRILOQUIST AT THEIR PRIME POSING FOR A PHOTO-SHOOT.

SHELLEY
...Oooh, can I?

LOGAN
Yeah, of course. Something to remember me by...

SHELLEY
Are you going to be okay moving in with Stanley? Just because, well he's your agent and you had a good run...in the early nineties, but maybe it's time to stop the ventriloquism. Try something else.

AS SHELLEY SPEAKS SHE TAKES THE PHOTO OUT OF THE FRAME AND PUTS IT BACK INTO THE TROLLEY. SHE CAREFULLY PLACES THE FRAME ON THE COFFEE TABLE. LOGAN IS UNDERSTANDABLY A LITTLE CONFUSED AND DISTRACTED BUT IMMEDIATELY PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER.

LOGAN
Shelley, we've had this discussion before. You know I can't do anything else. Remember the time I worked at the hair salon?

SHELLEY NARRATOR (V/O)
I did remember...

INT. HAIRDRESSERS SALON - DAY

CUTAWAY TO A HAIR SALON THREE YEARS AGO. LOGAN IS WORKING AS A HAIRDRESSER, HOLDING A PAIR OF SCISSORS AS A VERY IMPORTANT LOOKING BUSINESSMAN SITS IN THE CHAIR WAITING.

BUSINESSMAN
Can I have a classic taper cut please? Probably leave 1/8 of an inch around the sides and be careful, I've got an important business meeting tomorrow.

LOGAN LOOKS VISIBLY WORRIED.

LOGAN
[WEAK] Okay?

CUTS TO 15 MINUTES LATER. THE BUSINESSMAN HAS JUST FINISHED PAYING AND IS VERY HAPPY WITH HIS SMART HAIRCUT AS HE LEAVES.

BUSINESSMAN
Thanks a lot, bye.

INT. KIDNEY HOUSEHOLD - DINING ROOM - DAY

SHELLEY
...Yes, I remember you were very good?!

LOGAN
I know but I didn't like working weekends.

SHELLEY
Well, think of other things you're good at..like...

LOGAN
DIY?

A NOT-SO-SURE LOOK RUNS ACROSS SHELLEY'S FACE AND SHE GLANCES AT A SET OF SHELVES IN THE LOUNGE.

SHELLEY
Well, yeah, you built these shelves didn't you and these have been pretty sturdy. Not so much the dog kennel. That collapsed in on itself.

LOGAN
It wasn't designed for sudden movements.

SHELLEY
The puppies didn't know that did they?

LOGAN
[FONDLY] Oh the puppies.

LOGAN PRESSES PLAY ON HIS STEREO AND 'THE WAY WE WAS' BEGINS TO PLAY AGAIN. BEFORE THE WORD 'MEMORIES' HAS FINISHED SHELLEY HAS SWITCHED IT OFF.

SHELLEY
I'm not sure Stanley's a good agent. I mean this, little girl's birthday party you're doing tonight. How much are you charging?

LOGAN
I spoke to Jenny's Dad on Skype. It's not a paid gig, but as part of the deal I have been promised a goody bag.

SHELLEY
You're not being paid? What's Stanley said about this?

LOGAN
He said, that because he's my agent, he technically gets 35% of the goody bag.

SHELLEY
For me, just stop. Stop Vernon the ventriloquist. You've got a whole life to live and there's a whole world out there. You've barely left the county. Even though, you know, our new situation, it doesn't mean I don't care about the Father of my children.

SHELLEY MOVES CLOSER AND HUGS LOGAN. SHE THEN HOLDS HIS HANDS.

LOGAN
[CONFIDENTLY] Hey Shell, just say the word and I'll stay.

SHELLEY DOESN'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO DO, AS SHE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T WANT HIM TO STAY. SHE STARES AT HIM FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE AWKWARDLY TAKING A COUPLE STEPS AWAY FROM LOGAN.

SHELLEY
[AWKWARD] Well, see ya then.

thoughts?

Hi Pineapple Sky

Really pleased you've posted some up. I love reading other people's stuff - it means I don't have to work on mine!

A couple of thoughts from me:

1)Camera directions like "head shot". Don't. Not your job. Small technical point, but it all helps.

2.)Dialogue I can tell that you are a man / woman after my own heart. You have quite clearly agonised long and hard over every single line here. Everything has been thought through, and changed, and changed back, a million times.

Unfortunately, this has left your dialogue a bit stilted. I suffer from exactly the same problem for exactly the same reason. Try reading a bit out loud - you'll soon see that people really don't talk like that.

One way I am trying to overcome this is to write down bits of conversation I overhear. Not in a creepy way, but just to get a feel of speech, the construction of sentences, the way people swap topics, interrupt each other. Speech is messy.

3.)Story I can't really see one yet. The problem with pilot episodes is that you are trying to "set up" your situation. Often, it is much more effective to just dive in with your story.

Tell me they are married, but separated. I don't need to know any more than that. Get them interacting, jump into your story. You can tell me more about them later on, by how the act and the choices they make.

4.) PlanYou say that you have concentrated on getting these pages right, and I completely agree that you can decide if a script is good within 2 pages. But have you written the rest? Do you know where this story is going? Always keep the big picture in mind.

Just my thoughts. Hope it makes sense - I actually have people round for dinner at the moment, and am typing this whilst prepping the dessert, so it might be a bit of a jumble. Good luck

I think you've done a good job of slicing the scenes together.

The ventriloquism angle looks promising - I like the idea of the dummy being a ventriloquist.

But I was disappointed that Logan didn't accidentally lop part of an ear off while giving the businessman a haircut.

1) Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to give camera directions, but just occasionally I like to just let the audience know what I envision because the reveal of who she's in the room with, and the people is supposed to be a surprise.

2) I think sometimes it's genuinely how it's acted, however I do recognise that I'm trying to get through the scene relatively fast. There's a lot of stuff in this scene which is set up for call backs, plot developments later on. Also, If you add some of the more naturalistic elements of conversation, people say 'you can get rid of the chaff' etc. So I don't won't to waste any space, however, it is meant to be relatively naturalistic. I hate the fakeness of the way sitcoms can sometimes be written so I will look out for it.

3) Well, I think from the first 3/4 pages I've set up that:

* Shelley is explaining this retrospectively to some people in a room.
* Her husband is leaving home
* She wants her husband to give up the career he's been incessantly chasing
* Despite this her husband has a gig tonight

I agree that it's great sometimes if you jump straight into the story, however I think for some stories you need a kind of set up - otherwise the audience aren't sure what's happening and why they should care. The scene is hopefully a mixture of set-up, exposition and character, but I admit it's a tad light on story.

4) And yes, I've written the entire episode. I know where everything's going etc. There's a reason why he's leaving so early on in the episode, there's a reason why she tells him to explore the country, there's a reason why she mentions his DIY work etc. Sorry you can't possibly know this, so naturally you may find some of the dialogue potentially throwaway-able.

Thanks for the reply, I'm aware that I probably come across quite defensive, maybe even rude, but I can assure you I don't mean to be. Enjoy your dinner

Thanks for the feedback, very much appreciated

But I was disappointed that Logan didn't accidentally lop part of an ear off while giving the businessman a haircut.

I think I was worried something like that would be too obvious as I've deliberately set up the flashback to seem like something terrible is going to happen. I kinda like the fact that it's against that kinda of 'obvious Family Guy' cutaway gag.

Doesn't matter to me whether you agree with me or not. I'm just trying to help

Quote: Jennie @ August 2 2013, 9:01 PM BST

One way I am trying to overcome this is to write down bits of conversation I overhear. Not in a creepy way, but just to get a feel of speech, the construction of sentences, the way people swap topics, interrupt each other. Speech is messy.

View original

Real life speech is certainly messy, but I think scripted speech is generally quite clean with no unnecessary umming, ahhing or interrupting etc.

Quote: Jennie @ August 2 2013, 9:01 PM BST

1)Camera directions like "head shot". Don't. Not your job. Small technical point, but it all helps.

View original

I disagree that it's not the writer's job. In this script the camera instruction adds nothing but sometimes the humour (drama, horror) can depend on where the camera is pointing, on a slow zoom-out, fast zoom-in, a well choreographed pan, an overhead shot etc., etc.

Should we just hope that the director shares the writer's sense of humour or even has a sense of humour?

Quote: Ulysses @ August 3 2013, 12:03 AM BST

I disagree that it's not the writer's job. In this script the camera instruction adds nothing but sometimes the humour (drama, horror) can depend on where the camera is pointing, on a slow zoom-out, fast zoom-in, a well choreographed pan, an overhead shot etc., etc.

Should we just hope that the director shares the writer's sense of humour or even has a sense of humour?

View original

Well, it's a collaborative art. But it is very easy to direct a scene by stealth:

EXT. THE LONDON SKYLINE - DAWN

The first shards of daylight pierce through the mist, illuminating the Houses of Parliament, the London Eye, Tower Bridge. The city is waking up.

EXT. WESTMINSTER STREET - DAWN

JIM HARRIS runs along the pavement. He dodges cars, taxis, early commuters. At the next junction, he looks left and right, undecided. A taxi passes. He hails it and gets in.

EXT. TAXI - DAWN.

Jim checks his phone. One message from MEGAN. It simply reads "I'm sorry".

A single tear slides down Jim's face.

OK that's crap, but you get what I mean. I have described the shots I want - from the panorama of the city, to the close-up of tear on a man's face, without explicitly directing the scenes.

Quote: Ben @ August 2 2013, 11:38 PM BST

Real life speech is certainly messy, but I think scripted speech is generally quite clean with no unnecessary umming, ahhing or interrupting etc.

View original

The way I am approaching it is to use my observations of natural speech as a springboard for writing better dialogue. Of course it is still heavily constructed and stylised - but it is based on how people really talk.

This is all just my opinion. I don't really know what I'm talking about. There are people on these boards who actually make a living writing - they are the people to ask about this sort of thing.

Anyway, I am sure the OP would prefer to get your opinions on their script, rather than just talking about things I have said

Don't agree with the thing about the camera directions.If it's important from the point of getting a laugh put any directions you want in.If you think it's funnier with it filmed a certain way, bung it in .It's up to a script editor/producer to chop out what they see as superfluous.

You yourself said that people judge scripts from the first few pages.
Then when someone does just that, you proceed to tell us that it all sorts itself out in the end.
i wouldn't worry too much about camera directions - just don't be too technical i.e. CLOSE can be useful but PAN is probably a bit specific.

The fact is, very little happens and the jokes are thin on the ground and somewhat 'gentle'.
I think the cut away to something 'not' going wrong is a little arch - it will amuse a few but confuse the majority.
Your one line in the darkened room does not set up the fact that she's reporting all this - it's nothing like enough.
It's all pretty flat I'm afraid and as it stands, doesn't really invite further reading.