My opening scene

hello,

if you have time tell me what you think?

SCENE 1.INT.GALLERY STAFF ROOM

JACK IS CASUALLY PUTTING SOME THINGS AWAY IN HIS LOCKER
MAREK ENTERS

Jack:
Alright, Marek? Good weekend?

Marek:
Yeah,not bad. Had a bit of a weird one though.

Jack:
Oh yeah?

Marek:
My neighbours Beagle died on Saturday.

Jack:
Aww,that's a shame. She was upset?

Marek:
Yeah. She loved that dog. I said I would take care of it for her cos she's old and that.

Jack:
So you sorted it for her?

Marek:
Yeah. Actually, no I didn't.

Jacktentatively)
So what did you do with it?

Marek: (sighs)
I put it in a suitcase.

Jack:
You put it in a suitcase? What for?

Marek:
Well I'm not gonna carry a dead dog around in my arms am I?

Jack: (chuckles)
Fair point.

Marek:
Problem was; that I was on my way to the pet crematorium thingy, when I stopped to buy something.
The bag got nicked.

Jack:
So, somewhere; a thief has unzipped a bag, expecting a pricey phone or a nice computer, only to discover a dead Beagle.

Marek:
Two halves to a dead Beagle, actually.
JACK LOOKS ABSOLUTLEY DISGUSTED
We live on a main road.

Jack:
Jesus.
I suppose it serves the thief right. You didn't tell your neighbour that though. Did you?

Marek:
God no, don't be ridiculous.
I even bought three build-a-bears and stuck them in the furnace with the collar. Just in case.

Jack:
In case of what? It was getting cremated. Literally getting burnt to a crisp.

Marek:
Well, in case she opens the urn and expects to see tufts of fur or something. I dunno. I was just covering all angles. So I don't look like a pratt.

Jack:
No way you could ever look a pratt, Marek. You're a regular criminal mastermind, you know that?

AAAND. END SCENCE.

Hi Eric.

You have a perfectly good story there. Unfortunately, you have ruined it by telling me about it after the event. Because it is reported speech, I don't get caught up in the drama or the emotion of trying to conceal a dead beagle.

Give us the story as it is happening. Tell us how Marek gets himself into this mess and what steps he takes to extricate himself from it.

Then maybe work on giving him an attitude. At the moment, he is just re-telling a story. How does he feel about it? Does he think it's funny, is he annoyed, is he scared his neighbour will find out?

Good luck.

thanks jennie. much appreciated.

its supposed to be an opening scene of a sitcom (shoulda mentioned that) designed to set up the two characters, one normal and the other: utter moron. but yes I agree it certainly needs something else.

thanks very much

Quote: eric suriname @ August 1 2013, 7:34 PM BST

thanks jennie. much appreciated.

its supposed to be an opening scene of a sitcom (shoulda mentioned that) designed to set up the two characters, one normal and the other: utter moron. but yes I agree it certainly needs something else.

thanks very much

View original

I got that it was a sitcom. You set characters up through the choices they make. I want to watch them make those choices. Not talk about them afterwards.

Anyway, post some more. It is much easier to get a feel of things from 5-10 pages, rather than scenes in isolation.

I think reported speech is fine, you can make a situation funny by explaining it rather than showing it, but as Jennie said, I didn't get any sense about whether either of them were amused, disgusted, angry, whatever.

It might also be funnier if, rather than a theft, the bag was mixed up with one of an identical make at the bus station or something, in classic spy movie style - to me it's more amusing that an innocent person gets the canine corpse, rather than a criminal. Of course you might have plans for this set-up later in the story that demand the bag was stolen, in which case, ignore me.

Or, he hasn't lost the dog at all. He's actually brought it to work, and wants Jack to help him hide it.

Then it isn't just reported speech - it's Marek trying to get Jack to help him. Jack doesn't want to. There is a problem. There is conflict.

Maybe they work in an art gallery and have to pretend the dog is the new Damien Hirst or something.

And a famous art collector decides to offer them millions for it..

But then the old neighbour pays a visit to the gallery. The neighbour who has left Marek millions in her will.

your suggestions are great. I particularly like the art collector offering them millions etc.

to be honest, though the scene was just intended as an opener, not a situation I wanted to carry on through the script. I if was writing an episode of kenan and kel (which I love btw) it would be a perfect scenario. I will post some more