So now you f**kin' know !
General, General Thread Page 2,623
OK, so they're not cats . . .
Whoa! So I'm about to do my late-night Alexander Technique of lying on the floor with my knees up, head resting on some books. I check the walls and carpet for bugs. I once had a medium size spider crawling on my shoulder about 18 months ago.
There's a small spider who minds his own business who lives up in one corner. I look up to check for him, and on the ceiling I see the biggest frigging spider I have ever seen in my entire life! Seriously! This spider is very nearly the size of a CD, big brown body, and thick brown legs.
The usual pint glass I use to catch spiders won't be big enough this time around. I look for something that might work. A transparent plastic lunch box looks like my best bet. All the while I keep my eye on him in case he makes a move, but I have to keep walking directly under him to get into the kitchen.
What can I use as the capping end for the lunch box to slip under? I normally use a postcard when it's just a glass. Okay, the cardboard from an old pizza box, which I quickly cut in half.
He's in an awkward position in the corner, close to the edge. It's going to be tricky to get the edges of the box over him, and I also realise that the idea of standing right beneath him doesn't appeal greatly. Even with my baseball cap, some rubber gloves, and covering my bare arms, I don't much fancy the idea.
But I can't keep dithering. I have to take action.
Maybe I should just kill him, and be done with it? He might even be dangerous, so I shouldn't need to feel too guilty about it. But he looks tough, and not easy to squash.
I know. I'll chase him from his corner, and try and get him in a better position, vertical on a wall, rather than horizontal on the ceiling. I can use a broom.
I feel like a circus tamer prodding a lion with a chair as I lift the broom towards him. He backs away a little. I do it a few more times. He's not keen to budge. I attack him more forcefully without hurting him, and he bolts for it, sprinting down the wall, and racing into my adjacent bedroom.
For a moment I panic that I've lost him as I scan the carpet. Bugger!
No, there he is, in the shadows. I slam the lunch box over him and he's trapped.
Now I have to slide the cardboard underneath, but he's ready and waiting. I have to chase him right into the corner before I can fully slide the cage door shut.
I have him at last.
Clasping the box as tight as I can, I escort him to the front door, and release him back into the wild at the dead of night.
But I'm still too freaked out to carry on where I left off. No lying on the floor for me tonight to stretch out my back, and relax my mind.
Nope, it's back to my laptop, and onto the world wide web instead. Oh, the irony.
Omigawd! And you released this thing back into the world? I just hope to the gods that it doean't know how to get on a train to Scotland. 
F Matthias Alexander was born in Tasmania. Was it anything like these ones?
http://www.tasmanianspiders.info/
(Btw, a great piece of writing!)
Quote: keewik @ July 30 2013, 9:13 AM BSTOmigawd! And you released this thing back into the world? I just hope to the gods that it doean't know how to get on a train to Scotland.
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcToiZNcHTcyhq3Ga3I9LE3UPlSRIrrqManaf4rAdpgq24gE3nsK
"I'm off to Scotland having a rerr terr!"
EDIT: Which douchebag replaced this lovely pic with a link? 
Quote: keewik @ July 30 2013, 9:13 AM BSTOmigawd! And you released this thing back into the world? I just hope to the gods that it doean't know how to get on a train to Scotland.
What so it can join the lost of vermin, foxes, yetis, zombies and escaped Nazi war criminals you feed in your garden?
Quote: keewik @ July 30 2013, 9:13 AM BSTOmigawd! And you released this thing back into the world? I just hope to the gods that it doean't know how to get on a train to Scotland.
I wouldn't advise it to take one of David Smith's trains though.
Harry Potter is 33 today! 
I dread to think how old Adrian Mole and Bridget Jones are.
Scott and Charlene would have celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary at the beginning of this month. Ross' son Ben would be 18.
We're all just getting old 
Quote: Jennie @ July 31 2013, 6:09 PM BSTRoss' son Ben would be 18.
How do you pronounce scallop?
Like wallop or dollop.
'sca' as in 'scandal' and 'llop' as in 'lop', with 'sca' being the emphasised bit.
Oh noes, those are two different answers!
I'm back where I started.