Stand-up material - 1st few paragraphs [WIP]

You know when you're trying to avoid someone; I was in Tesco and I spotted "all you can eat" Dave near the dairy. I picked up the paper [hold in front of face mime], he comes over
"Hey Doddo, it's not a library mate"
Good, no one will mind if I tell you to f**k off.

he starts jabbering on
"Bill had his bbq going last night. He was showing me his pond, all his fish, some geese. I popped inside for a piss and by time I came out me f**king phone had gone. So we're both looking round his garden, and bill says he'll give me phone a bell. So I'm listening out for me phone, and this f**king goose starts vibrating. I started walking towards it, but the thing flapped his wings and f**ked off. Bill said we should ring the police, I said ring the police? We'd be better off calling Ace Ventura

You know Dave, I've been thinking of getting a goose. You know, One with a big pecker, just like his owner.

He said "well don't do what I did doddo; I left a trail of bread crumbs to lure the goose back. But homeless people kept knocking on me door asking for a sandwich. Up all night I was making BLTs."

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bit sweary and not sure it reads right. also not sure how it works as the beginning of a set

I got a bit lost after "he starts jabbering on". It wasn't immediately clear who was saying what to whom.

It could be interesting to explore just how irritating Dave can be, one on one, in a crowded supermarket where cheese or other food samples are on offer.

It's interesting it flows well.

But there's no real jokes or joke structures in it. Fiddled with it a little and I'm sure they'll all pop out.

Ace Ventura is a bit of a dated reference no? How about Rolf Harris instead?
I don't think you need to say f**king so many times.

Can you see what it is yet?

Maybe if I waggle it a bit more.

I really like the first paragraph but I'm not sure about the goose thing. Maybe if you changed the Ace Ventura part you could make it work?

I thought it was very funny in places...I can't stop laughing at most of it...the references to Ace Ventura and the bread crumbs have me in fits...well done m8!

hows about this. a bit less sweary and more punchy [I think]

You know when you're trying to avoid someone; I was in Tesco and I spotted "all you can eat" Dave near the dairy. So I picked up the paper [hold in front of face mime], he comes over
"Hey Doddo, it's not a library mate"
"hey, alright Dave, how's the Kidneys"
"Doctor says I'm a choc ice away from being uni-kidular. Every time I go the doctors he keeps sticking his hand up me bum. Ever since I went in about me, you know, each time since. As soon as I walk in he wants me pants round me f**king ankles. And he does the same joke each time [hand puppet mime] 'hello, nice to see you, what's the crack here'
He says why aren't you laughing? I said you've got your hand up me f**king bum. I wouldn't mind but I only went in with a cold.

Before I could respond he was in with his next story.

"Bill was showing me his pond, all his fish, some geese. I popped inside for a piss and by time I came out me f**king phone had gone. So we're both looking round his garden, and bill says he'll give me phone a bell. So I'm listening out for me phone, and this f**king goose starts vibrating. So I'm chasing this goose round Bills garden,
Bill's f**ked off to the stereo and put catch the pigeon on. The goose fly's off.
I said to Bill, ring the police. He's there going "hello is that Ace Ventura"

You know Dave, I've been thinking of getting a goose.

He said "well don't do what I did doddo; I left a trail of bread crumbs to lure the goose back. But homeless people kept knocking on me door asking for a sandwich. Up all night I was making BLTs."

Alright Dave, well I think we've had enough stories for one day
"alright Doddo. I'm gonna go see if they got ben & jerrys on offer"

I think the library "f**k off" was by far the best bit, put it back in, I demand it.

I preferred the first post buddy...I understand why you may be a little unsure about the profanity...all I'd say is trust in your own intuition and only use the F-word where you feel it may enhance the material as opposed to using swear words just for the sake of it...best of luck & keep on being creative!