He who pays the piper

Edited v2

The pied piper of Hamlin sits despondently in his kitchen at breakfast drinking his tea
His wife rubs his shoulders supportively

PIED PIPER

Pied piping isn't what it used to be, I'm calling in sick.

MRS PIED PIPER

What's the matter love? I thought you loved getting things to follow you whilst you played a tune and capered about?

PIED PIPER

Rats, children even all those paedos I chased out of the BBC it felt like I was being useful. It wasn't just a job it was a vocation.

MRS PIED PIPER

And this is just another job.

PIED PIPER
It isn't.....

MRS PIED PIPER

Well we've got 500 adopted kids to feed and our benefits capped. So he who pays the piper.....

PIED PIPER

Calls the tune,

THE PIED PIPER GETS UP GOES OUTSIDE AND GETS IN HIS VAN, THE SIGN ON THE SIDE READS if you are here illegally go home or be arrested.
THE PIED PIPER DRIVES OFF

Funny I had a Pied Piper sketch that I was going to send somewhere and couldn't get it to work. Liked this, great use of a traditional tale.

I don't think you'd know it was the pied piper until the third line and maybe not even then.

Announce him earlier & go with the chasing paedos out of the BBC angle or the adopted kids with them on benefits there could be a good un in there

Who is Supes?
I forget.

Its an asinine joke Steve that stylie makes in all his feedback

Good for the post count

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ July 30 2013, 1:04 AM BST

I don't think you'd know it was the pied piper until the third line and maybe not even then.

Announce him earlier & go with the chasing paedos out of the BBC angle or the adopted kids with them on benefits there could be a good un in there

View original

I may introduce him earlier

But the van driver bit is the whole reason d'être of the sketch

I must remember to quote Stylee next time he's complimentary about one of my sketches.

The point when I got lost was just after this:

The pied piper of Hamlin sits despondently in his kitchen at breakfast drinking his tea
His wife rubs his shoulders supportively

PIED PIPER

I'm calling in sick,

MRS PIED PIPER

What's the matter love? I thought you loved your job?

PIED PIPER

Rats, children

Up until then I was in the zone

Quote: Carlos Manwelly @ July 30 2013, 1:54 AM BST

The point when I got lost was just after this:

The pied piper of Hamlin sits despondently in his kitchen at breakfast drinking his tea
His wife rubs his shoulders supportively

PIED PIPER

I'm calling in sick,

MRS PIED PIPER

What's the matter love? I thought you loved your job?

PIED PIPER

Rats, children

Up until then I was in the zone

View original

The introduction which as Steve rightly points out is to long and distracting?

It's a very simple sketch. The government is using vans with slogan posters to try and intimidate illegal immigrants into leaving.

So I just thoughtthat's a bit like the Pied Piper of Hamlin. Then added a joke that a guy who had kidnapped 500 kids might be affected by the benefits cap.

As otherwise it felt a little one note.

v1

Quote: sootyj @ July 30 2013, 12:31 AM BST

The pied piper of Hamlin sits despondently in his kitchen at breakfast drinking his tea
His wife rubs his shoulders supportively

PIED PIPER

I'm calling in sick,

MRS PIED PIPER

What's the matter love? I thought you loved your job?

PIED PIPER

Rats, children even all those paedos I chased out of the BBC it felt like I was being useful. Playing a flute and getting things to follow me, it was my vocation.

MRS PIED PIPER

And this is just the same.

PIED PIPER
It isn't.....

MRS PIED PIPER

Well we've got 500 adopted kids to feed and our benefits capped. So he who pays the piper.....

PIED PIPER

Calls the tune,

THE PIED PIPER GETS UP GOES OUTSIDE AND GETS IN HIS VAN, THE SIGN ON THE SIDE READS if you are here illegally go home or be arrested.
THE PIED PIPER DRIVES OFF

View original

The connection between the Pied Piper and the "Immies go home" trucks is very good indeed; not 100% certain this gets it scross as well as it might, but I'm not sure how you'd change it.

Thanks I'm going for a sequel

Ahh right I see, I was reading the story yesterday and wondered how to make something of it, I missed the connection here.

Nice, funny dialogue throughout and lots of angles weaved in without being forced.

Nice. V2 definitely works better than V1.

Yes I prefer V2 Would it be something Newsrevue would fancy?
And I wish I had thought of doing a Pied Piper sketch.