Begging on my Knees.(For honest crit) Pls,pls. Page 2

I will have a peruse. Thanks BB.

I can understand that we havent structured it right and it is so long I'm not surprised not many people have read it. I wouldn't read it myself.

I found it totally implausible.

I mean, Charley is 36?

(Actually, I haven't read it but I'll try. It's a bit hard reading these longer pieces on screen)

I think we should've done it in chumks

Yep. You still have the chance.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/info/help/bb_codes.shtml - To make it look smart.

I read a lil bit. It seems OK so far, nice dialogue, although it could be altered for more comic effect.

It's kind of like a post watershed My Family.

I'll keep reading bits at a time and give as much, honest feedback as I can.

Thanks Leevil. Thats what we need. Honest feedback. Even if it makes us grizzle.

Aside from the writing issues already mentioned....no one was very likeable. It seemed a bit of a chavy family (and i'm sure it deviates from real life here to make it "funny") so i felt little interest in anyone.

The wife is calling her husband a twat in almost her first sentence, shes sharing drugs with her teenage kids, and everyone just abused each other.

It felt like one of those documentaries about teenage pregnancies where the only entertainment is in the relief that you/your kids aren't like that!

Maybe its reflective of modern life and millions will relate to it? I just found it hard to care about anyone - and some characters/situations seemed a little cheesy and set up, the retarded petrol guy and the only milk they could find for example. JMO of course.

Hello,

I read the first three scenes which I liked. The first scene inparticular I thought was good, you used a classic rule of three gag in the first son, second son enter the room then the dog does.

It played out like a good sketch in my opinion and I laughed three times(yes I did count!).

In the next scenes it wasn't quite as good, Why? A) Not as many jokes and as someone else has said B) Too many characters for one scene, at one point you have the four in the car the petrol attendent and the mum and dad - 7 in my opinion is a tad too much - C) We need a reason to care - you need to establish sympathy for the main character.

However I did like some of the dialogue in the scenes. I enjoyed it and would encourage you to carry on.

I've read the first couple of scenes, will read the rest later (honest )

Following on from what M Lewis said about not many of the characters being very likeable, I think you need to make at least one of the character more submissive and less argumentative than the rest (you've got the dog but I'm not counting that ). This would act as a great foil/respite from all the arguing.

It is a bit over-wordy. Have you tried (and I appologise in advance if this is 'stating the bleedin obvious' and I don't mean it to sound patronising) acting it aloud, possibly even recording it, I find this a great help when writing dialogue (especially confrontational dialogue).

I also agree with Roscoff...too many characters.

Do I like it and would I read/watch more....Yes! (and yes)

the wordyness lightens up later but some of the early stuff is heavy dialouge to my ear.

GAVIN: It will. You will see it & start getting all flaffy over it. It will be all cute in one of those soft lenor smelling babygrows.The next thing I know, you will be throwing out your contraceptive pill without my knowledge & getting yourself all foetused up, with no thought to consult me.

i would have thought, this said the same?

GAVIN: You'll see it in a babygrow, smelling like Lenor, and get all flaffy.
Next thing I know, you'll have chucked out your pills & be all foetused up.

Thanks guys.
I know it needs loads of work & the advice you are all giving me is fantastic. I have taken on board every single one. This is why I desperatley need your feedback.
I am cutting the characters & a lot of the dialogue. I shall make Gavin the more submissive. He is anyhoo. Thus more likeable.
I am also looking at ways I can get a main story line going through.

Your feedback is greatly appreciated & as I have said will be duly noted & acted upon.

Thanks millions to all who have taken the time to read it.
They are all supposed to be quite mean & selfish with the exception of William & the teenagers. I need to make them more likeable though. I shall start editing & killing off characters now.

Quote: M Lewis @ February 14, 2008, 1:46 PM

the wordyness lightens up later but some of the early stuff is heavy dialouge to my ear.

GAVIN: It will. You will see it & start getting all flaffy over it. It will be all cute in one of those soft lenor smelling babygrows.The next thing I know, you will be throwing out your contraceptive pill without my knowledge & getting yourself all foetused up, with no thought to consult me.

i would have thought, this said the same?

GAVIN: You'll see it in a babygrow, smelling like Lenor, and get all flaffy.
Next thing I know, you'll have chucked out your pills & be all foetused up.

View original

I agree 100%. James Williams, very kindly,PM'd me & showed how you can say the exact same thing with less dialogue. Dialogue is one of my worst points. I find it difficult to say what I want to say.
Thanks Lewis.

another tip Charley, you always have the 'laugh' words at the end of a sentence because if you carry on after that the audience are laughing (hopefully) and won't hear the last words.
so for instance, Gavins dialogue should end at.....
'getting yourself all foetused up.'

Cool. Thanks BB!
I am editing it all on my word doc now. I should be finished by 6pm Wednesday the 18th of November 2009.

Quote: Charley @ February 14, 2008, 2:06 PM

Cool. Thanks BB!
I should be finished by 6pm Wednesday the 18th of November 2009.

View original

Hey that's what the BBC writers room said when I asked them how long it would take to read one of my scripts

I read the whole thing and I liked most of it.

I'm not really good at critiquing things (I can't even spell it.)

It took me a while to learn wh all the characters were, though...

I thought there were a lot of funny bits though

I keep looking out of my window to see if I can spot any cows in capes now...