Mark's out at ten

This is my second attempt at trying to write something longer than a 60 second sketch, I tried it before, and I have just come back to it to have another go, any feedback would be appreciated:

INTERNAL KEVIN IS SITTING ON THE SOFA WATCHING JEREMY KYLE, THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR, KEVIN GETS UP TO ANSWER IT, MARK IS AT THE DOOR KEVIN INVITES HIM INTO THE HOUSE.

Mark: I have been phoning you since 9 o'clock where have you been?

Kevin: I never get out of bed before Jeremy Kyle is on, I can't stand that daybreak program.

Mark: I thought you liked to get up early to see what Holly willoughby is wearing.

Kevin: I did used to but she has had so many complaints about showing her cleavage she covers up now, she don't even wear short skirts anymore.

Kevin and Mark both sit down; Kevin picks up a joint from the ashtray, takes a few puffs and then passes it to Mark

Mark: No not for me, I got to drive, and besides you are supposed to be ready

Kevin: I am ready

Mark: Are you serious, your going dressed like that?

Kevin: What's wrong with what I am wearing, they are clean, no blim holes and I got a new pair of pants on.

Mark: Kev, you are going to court, your not going to a rave in a warehouse, where did you get them dungarees from anyway?

Kevin: Charity shop. Mark you wouldn't believe the stuff people throw out, I had a 24 piece tool kit the other day from there a proper industrial one £4.50 that's all, hasn't even been opened

Mark: Yeah and probably never will be opened now you got it, I can't see you going back to work in the near future, or the distant future for that matter

Kevin: You never know, I might surprise you one day and tell you I got a job.

Mark: Well if they find you guilty today, you might have a job. In a prison sewing bags.

Kevin: They don't sew bags in prisons anymore, they pay you to go to education I'll get paid to learn, if I do a long stretch I can come out of there more qualified than you are.

Mark: Whatever are you ready or what?

Kevin: let me just roll a joint first, one for the road.
Mark: Hurry up then, I haven't got all day to taxi you around at your leisure, and you should really put something tidy on or at least wear a shirt.

Kevin: I asked you for a lift not a lecture, make a cup of tea while your waiting, and leave the tea bag in my cup, and don't put the milk in first.

Mark: When shall I put the sugar in, before or after I pour the water?

Kevin: It's up to you I 'm not fussy.

MARK WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN TO MAKE TEA, WHILE KEVIN BUSIES HIMSELF WITH MAKING A JOINT.

MARK RETURNS WITH THE TEA JUST AS KEVIN IS LIGHTING UP THE JOINT.

Kevin: Perfect timing

Mark: Perfect timing would have been if you were ready when I called and we were on our way to the court, so they can sentence you, put you down for a couple of months, and I can get on with my life, not having to take days off work to taxi you around.

Kevin: You took a day off work because you were worried that if I go down, you will have to buy your bush, instead of me giving you some for taxiing me around as you call it.

Mark: Well there is a bit of self-preservation going on, I got to admit

Kevin: Yep, you are preserving a steady flow of weed, without having to lay out any money, and I am preserving that you get me to court on time, so I don't get a warrant for my arrest, so I can carry on growing and you can carry on smoking.

Mark: And £4.50 toolkits, that you'll never use

KEVIN SUCKS ON THE JOINT AND THEN OFFERS IT TO MARK.

MARK HESITATES AT FIRST, LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AND THEN TAKES THE JOINT

Mark: I thought this joint was for the road

Kevin: There are many roads Mark, one of which we are on now, life is one big road; We're all on a journey somewhere.

Mark: Yeah and if we don't hurry up your journey is about to hit a traffic jam, you'll be stuck on a roundabout for a couple of months.

Kevin: We got plenty of time, and anyway my solicitor is always late, and I end up having to wait for him, it's great he has been late twice and they had to adjourn because of it, best solicitor I have ever had.

Mark: So what have they charged you with altogether?

Kevin: Remember when I got caught for driving without a license, no insurance and no MOT on the car.

Mark: Oh yeah that time you ducked down when you saw the police, and then you told them you were sitting in the back seat and it was the driver who ducked down not you.

Kevin: Yeah that's right, well they found me guilty, they didn't believe my story, they gave me 200 hours community work, and a £150 fine.

Mark: I thought that was all over, I remember you going to community work, I bought that laptop off you, that you had from a school, you were painting railings or something weren't you?

Kevin: That was my first day of community work, I never went again after that, and I didn't pay my fine either, so they are having me for non-payment, and something else I am not quite sure what it means.

Mark: Where is your letter for court, gives us a look I'll tell you what it is now.

Kevin passes Mark his letter off the table, Mark scans the letter.

Mark: Breach of community work, it just means that you failed to turn up to do your 200 hours they gave you.

Kevin: It was crap, all we did is smoke dope all day and sit around, the guy in charge painted the railings himself because none of us would listen to him, to soft to be in that job he is.

Mark: Kev it says here you're on in court on the 24th July, you told me it was the 25th you should have been there yesterday.

Kevin: Serious

Mark: Yep says right here look

Kevin: Oh no, I remember thinking it was the day before Chloe's birthday not on Chloe's birthday... Shit it's Chloe's birthday today

END

Good dialogue.You should describe Kevin and Mark in your directions at the start.What age are they?12 or 75 or somewhere in between?Are they black, white or Asian?All the best.

Thank you Jaicee, good point I will do that next time. They are both 40 Kevin is white, Mark is mixed race (Afro-Caribbean).

Thanks again for your feedback

You really don't need to specify the race or age of your characters, unless there is a specific reason for it. Smoking dope is not a reason.

Thanks for the feedback AngieBaby, two very different bits of advice that's a good start, I don't know what to do now.

Thanks again

Just specify one of them?

Quote: playfull @ July 27 2013, 10:23 AM BST

Just specify one of them?

View original

Ha ha brilliant, my head is fried now all none or one, I think that has covered all bases.

Thanks for the feedback Playfull

I'll put it this way....

Imagine you've sent this to a production company, who like it so much they want to film it. They have many actors on their books, none of which are 'Afro-Caribbean'... Game over.

You can specify they are middle-aged losers, with no ambition and criminal inclinations, as that's about their personality, but there is no need to specify age, race or even gender unless it's integral to the characters.

I hope this helps.

Thank you AngieBaby, that makes perfect sense to me, yes it has helped.

I usually like your stuff but this has a tin ear for dialogue.

You're first interaction has every sentence start with an I andthat's just unpleasant to read. Try and get a more natural rhythmn to speach.

A good tool is to think how do I speak to my friends? And what does that sound like.

Secondly take away as many superfluos words as you possibly can.

Mark: Where you been mate I've been phoning since 9?

Kevin: I had to wait for Jeremy Kyle, I can't watch Daybreak that's cruel and unusual punishment. And I ain't been sentenced yet.

Mark: But isn't Holly Willoughby worth getting up for....

Kevin: Nah she's started covering up her jubblies to protect school kids, free the Willougbhy two!

Thank you sootyj, I know what you mean, I knew the dialogue was clunky but didn't how and where to clean it up, that is great advice, I can see what you mean, I stop where it should flow.

Thanks