Hi,
After many years of living in absolute fear, I've decided to enter my very first open mic in about 2 weeks time. This will be my very first time on stage, but I've decided that at 54yrs of age, I've either got to do it now, or forget about it for ever. I have about 5 minutes of material that I've prepared and I'm now going to try the usual practicing in front of the mirror to try and get it right. But I could really use some help and advice. Could you please take a look at my planned routine and let me know what you think? I would be very grateful. Oh, by the way, I am quite overweight, you need to know that or some of the routine won't make a lot of sense. There is also some strong language, hope you aren't offended. Here goes...
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen,
Don't look so worried, I'm not here to steal your sandwiches.. A common misconception...
I admit, I've battled with weight for most of my life. Well, perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration. It's not really been a battle. The word 'battle' implies fierce resistance and a willingness to die for a noble cause........I've just moved on to oven chips.
I'm actually here tonight to talk about one of my pet hates...junk mail. It just does my head in... Remember the old days when receiving a letter was a special occasion?
(Exaggerated glee)
What Mr Postman? A letter? For me? I wonder who it could be from? Gosh, how exciting!
Nowadays, I come downstairs first thing in the morning, take a look at the letterbox and think...oh what the f**k? It's just lying there, bulging...taunting me, daring me to pick it up and throw it straight into the bin. Which, of course I should do, we all should, but don't because we just might miss out on something new and exciting. No, I go through them one by one, carefully sorting out the 'keepers' like Dominos Pizzas and Mr Daves Balti Hut. Obviously, these get stuck onto the side of the fridge...right next to my Slimming World, I lost 1/2 a stone certificate.
Then, come the charity appeals - just £5.00 a month will restore the sight of a blind Nigerian farmer. Well, I'm sorry, but that cuts no ice with me. I think that if you're going to wank that much, then giving you a fiver 'ain't going to do diddly....
Don't get me wrong, I do support Charity. I always support Comic Relief, it's for a fantastic cause, but I get upset watching the pitiful faces dying right in front of me. Why can't these celebs just accept that their careers are over?
A telescopic ladder! That's another adthat's always in your junk mail, somewhere. I mean, come on..how many times have you been up a ladder and thought....if only this ladder was 50 mtrs longer! If only it was telescopic...(Exaggerated stretching) If...only...I...could...touch...that...cloud!
...and of course, there is always the ads for anti-slip snow shoes. Apparently, they are guaranteed to keep you
sure-footed and upright whatever arctic blizzard you may face....really useful when living in Henley, Oxfordshire. The snow shoes also make you popular, as when you put them on, complete strangers will come up to you, smile.....and ask if you've lost your carer!
But a different flier caught my eye today, it was from the World Wildlife Fund. It was an appeal to save the Giant Panda and it had a picture of the cuddly giant on the front, sitting on a rock, looking all sad and lonely. The flyer said that for just £10.00 a month, I could do my bit to stop this gentle and noble creature from becoming extinct. Of course, one reason why the Panda is in danger of disappearing, is because mankind has encroached on their habitat, chopping down the bamboo forests. But is that really an excuse?
I mean, loads of other species have had to adapt to survive and done O.K. For example, take the fox. Its well documented that over the last decade they have moved from the countryside to the city to try and find food and been very successful. Just last week I was in a large high street KFC around 10pm and I spotted a majestic large fox with two small cubs, - sitting opposite me sharing a party bucket! They've adapted..
But even we humans have had to adapt over the years, in an effort to find food and survive - and I've had some experience of that. In 1976, Wimpys closed down and I'll be honest with you, it was touch and go with me for a while. I lost weight...I was depressed...and I started to get a weird kind of smooth unblemished skin. It was a fight for my very survival and then...bam..McDonalds opened up - and it was happy days all over again! I never looked back! You have to adapt...
So changing habitat isn't the sole reason for the fall in Panda numbers, so what else could it be? We know that it's not because of predators. I've watched loads of David Attenborough films and never seen a lion in full flight trying to take down a sauntering panda.
..and then it hit me. I finally realized exactly why Pandas have become such an endangered species...and this really shocked me...the reason is that they are simply too lazy to have sex! Yep, it's true. They can't even be arsed to shag in order to ensure their own survival. How f**king bad is that, eh? I mean, I'm lazy, really lazy. I'll even turn my pants inside out if it gets another day out of them. But I have never, ever been too lazy to have sex.....I've been too lazy to care if the sex was actually any good!
But the panda just can't be bothered. He just sits in a corner, chewing on a stick. The World Wildlife Fund even fly in a female to try and stimulate a bit of interest - he doesn't even have to go out looking himself. No Panda clubbing for him. No Panda speed dating.. They even add to the titillation by not letting him seeing her straight away, she just arrives in a sealed crate, all mysterious, with just some air holes for ventilation and a little window to see out of...a bit like a wooden burka. Then, probably to a Barry White soundtrack CD, they slowly open the crate, revealing her in all of her majestic glory...oh, and they don't get him just any old minger, it's usually, quite a cute looking babe with an exotic name like PI Pi, a gift from China!
What happens? He just takes one look at her and goes "nah!" Can't be arsed.. Unbelievable! Anyway, let 'em die out I say, lazy bastards. F**k 'em!
This has been my first ever time on stage, so I'd like to really thank you for your kindness in hearing me out.
Goodnight!
