Interview with Going Native star Tallah Khosravian

Tallah Khosravian is one of the stars of BBC documentary Going Native. Here British Comedy Guide asks her a few questions...

Hi Tallah. For the benefit of those that haven't seen the show yet, could we start off by asking you to introduce yourself...

My name is Tallah Khosravian BA Hons KLM FBI B&Q Doctorate. I am award winning business woman, entrepreneur and natural blonde (I just dye my roots brown for fashion). I am the creator of the #1 selling jacket in the world... The Halal Leather Jacket.

I would probably say I am the best salesperson in... ... Em ... Asia. You could say I have the most acute business mind in the whole of the Eastern Hemisphere.

I am winner of the Camel-Toe Award for Innovation and Business Excellence. In this business a woman is defined by her Camel-Toe. If she doesn't have one, she will not be taken seriously. Men are intimidated by a woman with a Camel-Toe, she finishes to be an object of desire and becomes a contender.

Do you think Britain is a good place for entrepreneurs like yourself to work?

Indeed it is. People have said to me that Britain resents success and wealth. But I do not think this is the case. Just look at wealthy people like Peter Stringfellow or Jeffrey Archer or George Osborne. They are universally loved throughout the land.

In Britain they respect business minds so I know I'm going to be a massive success here, bigger than Woolworths and Comet combined.

As we briefly see in Going Native you were on Emirates Executives... but then thrown off? What happened?

I was the first person in four series not to have been hired or fired. Our equivalent of Alan Sugar - HH Sheik Mohammed Wallah bin Rashood Maktoum al-Sugar III - called me a "self-publicising, fame-at-any-price TV monster." He said my ideas were "dangerous." He probably said this because I am a woman (which I totally respect). I just could not be pigeon holed because I am an innovator.

There was an incident. I can't go into details for legal reasons. After I was team leader and my team failed the first task, one of the really useless and annoying candidates from my team unexpectedly flipped over the safety rail at the Burj Al Arab whilst he and I were play fighting. That is ALL I can remember.

What was 'collateral damage' turned into 'tragedy' when fingers started being pointed and they continued fingering people. I won't go into details about who the idiots thought was guilty, but let's just say there was a lot of grappling and struggling, arms and legs were restrained. The person they dragged out was screaming, 'Shut your face... This will not be the last you'll hear of Tallah Khosravian...' Coincidentally, that's the day I left the process - for other, personal reasons.

I salivate over the day I again meet HH Sheik Mohammed Wallah bin Rashood Maktoum al-Sugar III with not one, but two Camel-Toes. He will not know where to look.

As someone who wasn't bought up in the UK, have you had any problems integrating with other business people over here?

I do not think that business networking is as upfront as it is in other countries. I have often been in the middle of an important presentation when people have said to me 'you're being very forward', or 'take a step back', or 'what are you doing in the disabled toilets?'

Also it seem everyone in UK is gay... In my country gays do not exist, but I'm very opened minded and I always talk to them - I'm like lady Diana Fayed... I talk to anyone with disease.

You agreed to allow the BBC to film your movements. Would you let them film you more if they got a full series?

I would love to be filmed for a full series. I have lots more to say. The only thing I really regret about the filming is that it wasn't in 3D. I think if the viewers at home had a lifelike 3D projection of my amazing business ideas, they would embrace my genius in a heartbeat.

The documentary appeared to show you suggesting you had already come up with the idea for a power regeneration invention that someone was pitching at you. Any comment on that?

Convincing inventors that you already had their idea is a very clever business technique. He was speechless, totally amazed, you could have stabbed the atmosphere with a Jambiya. I believe we are all one, what is his idea is my idea. And that's just good business.

You expressed an interest in meeting Richard Branson. What would you say to him if you got access to him?

I would ask him if he feels that his beard has been an important part of his success. If he said yes, I would try to arrange for some of his DNA to be implanted into my face so I could grow some nicely-trimmed facial hair. I have been told this might be a long shot.

The documentary also filmed Wakana Fukui and Natascha Leboushkin and their experiences of British culture. Did you get a chance to meet your fellow stars?

No I didn't meet them. I was told by BBC that they were going to follow me to make serious documentary about business. So when I saw the edit of the show I was furious to see these other women taking a lot of my screen time away from me (which I will never forgive them for... NEVER)

I just couldn't understand why they wanted to put these two idiots in a serious documentary about business.. but later I was told that BBC have to put a couple of these foreigners in the show to tick these boxes called "equal opportunities"? In my country there is no need for equal opportunities... everyone is treated the same, they have no human rights.

So what are your next plans Tallah?

I will be holding auditions to find an intern. I recently discovered you have something here called work experience... it is a wonderful invention. You get child to work for free... its great because you can immediately see who the stupid people are... so you never hire them... This is a genius!

I am also preparing for an extremely important market research focus group with some babies. We will be talking figures, stock markets and poo. This is in preparation for the launch of my new product Baby Mops, so far my research shows that 9/10 babies categorically stated they loved my products - I have a signed confession from all of them.

Best of luck with that Tallah

Going Native, created by Mona Yousefi (who some say has an uncanny resemblance to Tallah and the other two characters), is a Comedy Feeds pilot. You can Watch it on iPlayer

You can follow the stars of Going Native (@goingnative_) on Twitter. Tallah is @tallahbizness, Wakana is @wakanafukui and Natascha is @nataschaussr.