The Horne Section: Which Footballer(s) Are You?
Published: Saturday 5th December 2020
It's a special festive edition of the surprisingly revealing Which Footballer slot, with a full-on five-a-side team, plus a random racquet-wielder.
As loyal fans will know, The Horne Section are makers of the most uplifting podcast around; just back for a new season. They're also composers of the finest theme tune on modern telly, right up there with Match Of The Day - the one for Taskmaster. And they're becoming festive fixtures, too.
Horne's harmonious combo put the tin hat on 2019 by cranking out this saucy corker on the Last Leg Of The Year. And for 2020 they've made a charity single - Fiddly Christmas, supporting Nordoff Robbins - and a whole album, The Horne Section Christmas Family Album, featuring new and classic Section selections.
But who will select who, in The Horne Section side? And which do we reckon were secretly suggested by their Liverpool-loving gaffer? Here's their fully fit squad for the 2020/21 season.
Alex Horne (band leader) is... Frank Lampard
As player manager for The Horne Section I wanted to compare myself to the greatest, King Kenny Dalglish. But that would be sacrilege, so I'm going for Frank Lampard instead.
Frank and I have a weird amount in common; born three months apart, we've both got A* Latin GCSEs, we've both written books and we've both got Northern Irish wives. We've both been to Spain. And neither of us can play in the same team as Steven Gerrard.
Like Frank, I'm an unlikely front man of a band. Neither of us are Jamie Redknapp. I can't sing and I'm quite shy, but, I can now boast more appearances for the club/band than any other member of the team, and that's despite a short (not massively successful) spell in America.
We're both hard-working players with, according to Wikipedia, "notable stamina and ability to read the game" (mine and his page). We can score goals/tell jokes, of course we can, but we also like to set stuff up for other, more showy players. We've both met Bradley Walsh, we both like shiny black shoes and we both have reasonable hair.
Finally, according to The Evening Standard, Frank likes Italian food. I don't mind the stuff either.
Mark Brown (sax and guitar) is... Jan Molby
It has been suggested to me, and I find it hard to argue with, that my football spirit animal should be Jan Molby, the enigmatic '80s midfielder famed for his time at Liverpool.
A quick google search describes him as 'Simple, pedestrian almost, yet underneath a genuine artist at work...' which I'll definitely take, and he was always carrying a extra bit of timber, thanks to his predilection for a few pints, which I also fully endorse.
Graeme Souness once said of him 'the only player I have ever met who is capable of putting on weight during a football match'. I also have an accent that the silly southerners in The Horne Section never fully understand. So let's raise a glass to the big Great Dane, I'll happily drink to being compared to him.
Ben Reynolds (drums and percussion) is... Tim Henman
The only time I've ever really wished I was a footballer was the only time I've ever really had to play football.
The Horne Section were in Kilkenny for the annual comedy festival and I got the call: "Ben, we're a player down for the Irish-comedians-vs-the-rest-of-the-world match and you're on". Fear hit. I did not rise to the challenge, I barely rose off the floor due to the £10 pair of flat-soled running shoes I bought in TK Maxx that wet morning for the occasion.
I'm on the pitch in my blue/white football strip with Andrew Maxwell, in full gimp suit (another story), whispering into my ear: "Ben, I've spotted the weak link on your team. It's you, you're Fu**ing Sh*te". He was right. I knew it, he knew it and so did the 500 locals who turned up to watch.
With all that in mind, in answer to your question, I think I'd be Tim Henman. Apparently I look a lot like him. And like him, have never won Wimbledon or played much football.
Joe Auckland (trumpet and banjo) is... Tony Hibbert
Football's always been a big thing in our family. I inherited the privilege of becoming a lifelong Millwall fan, and went to my first game aged 10; a 2-1 defeat to Man Utd! I soon became more used to fixtures against the likes of Plymouth and Rotherham.
This has given me a taste for attrition and the traditional English no-frills game. So I suppose I'd be someone like Tony Hibbert. Remember him? Exactly! A one club man, he got comfortable at Everton. This is very relatable, I've never left a band! Whether it's loyalty or a lack of ambition, who knows? But the likes of Tony and me are always there.
He played different roles. He'd have a go at anything, as long as he could stay in those comfortable surroundings. My role in The Horne Section has involved nudity, pink miniskirts, being a human weighing scale and escapology, all of which I carried out adequately.
You knew what you were getting with Hibbert, no flare or fireworks. And certainly not goals, 329 appearances for Everton; not one goal. His solidity and lack of errors is what made him indispensable. I think I'm similarly consistent (alcohol permitting).
Now retired, he has one thing to show for his endeavours, an FA Cup runners-up medal.
A remarkably unremarkable career built on, above all, turning up.
Will Collier (bass) is... Peter James Crouch
When I stop to think about it. I mean really, really, really think about it, I guess I'd be Peter Crouch because I'm fairly tall. I'm six foot two inches, which isn't that tall to be honest, but it's slightly over average. Peter Crouch is, hang on, I'll just check Wikipedia... six foot seven.
The average height of an English man is five foot ten, which makes me four inches taller than the average English man and five inches shorter than Peter Crouch. Which makes me closer to average than to Peter Crouch.
I can't think of any other reason, but according to Wikipedia Peter James Crouch was capped 42 times by England, scoring 22 goals. He is one of 29 players to have scored 100 or more Premier League goals, and holds the record for the most headed goals in Premier League history. Whereas I play the bass guitar.
Ed Sheldrake (piano) is... Dejan Savićević
Savićević, nicknamed il Genio (The Genius), was born in the former Yugoslavia and was part of an AC Milan team made up of far more famous stars who demolished Barcelona in the 1994 Champions League final.
Good with the ball at his feet, with a quick turn of pace and the most cultured left foot, he should be spoken about in the same breath as some of the greats. However his mercurial talent limited his fame on the wider stage.
He was somewhat prone to spats with managers, especially those who didn't remember his name. But despite his inconsistency, his moments of magic mean he will be forever etched in the hearts of the most discerning and hardcore fans.
Ed is the temporary pianist for the Horne section. Since 2011.
The Horne Section's festive single can be downloaded from iTunes, while the album is be available from the band's Bandcamp page.
New episodes of The Horne Section Podcast are available to download from the usual places.
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