Sooz Kempner gets a dressage dressing-down from the IOC

Written by: Si Hawkins
Published: Friday 6th August 2021

Early August is all fun and games for Sooz Kempner; games especially. Pre-pandemic she cornered the market in packed out Edinburgh Fringe shows about retro video classics. But her other big love is the Olympics, hence Kempner is now peppering her popular Twitch and Twitter feeds with Tokyo-based action, particularly when a horse is involved.

In fact, Sooz even had a little run-in with the International Olympic Committee last week, which we'll get to below. So why is this hectic fortnight of leaping, swimming and tossing so compelling? What does her impressively sporty mum have to do with it? And might she have been an Olympian too? Quite possibly.

Instead, Sooz chose showbiz and she'll be flexing her vocal talents soon, in cahoots with composer Richard Thomas, the Olivier-winning co-creator of Jerry Springer The Opera, etc. It's a show called Wrong Songs, at Above the Stag in Vauxhall, London, across the last weekend of August. Details below.

But we've got all sorts of events to negotiate before then. Bring on the dancing horses!

So your social medias have been pretty Olympics-heavy for weeks now...

I know, it's my favourite thing.

Am I right in thinking you've got sporty, horse-related roots?

So, my mum is a competitive dressage rider. She really wanted to work with horses so would be down the stables every day after school, basically working for free in exchange for rides. She was really naturally talented anyway, and ended up as a groom for one of our top event riders, Lucy Thompson, who went to the Olympics.

My mum was eventing, which is what Zara Phillips and Princess Anne did: obviously they had lots more money, but it involves an awful lot of skill and bravery. Then, as soon as she had me, she went 'I don't think I want to jump anymore, I might die.' So she started just concentrating on dressage.

Other people would get her to ride their horses, so she'd be travelling around, and training people. She was national champion in the early 90s, every weekend I'd see my mum competing, so I was very aware of competition. We watched sport all the time. My mum remembers me watching the Seoul Olympics and just being obsessed with Greg Louganis.

The diver who hit his head on the board?

She said I was very worried, as a three year-old. I would keep going "Greg Louganis!"

I remember that basically confirmed all our fears, because divers always look like they'll hit the board...

And he literally did it! Yeah. He had terrible concussion and won a gold medal. What a champion. So that was my first Olympics. And I remember watching Barcelona [1992] avidly, all the coverage.

I'm finding this Olympics is a bit like England's penalty shoot-out in the Euros, but constantly - these incredibly tense events every five minutes.

That's it, and there's all these incredible stories. Like the Simone Biles drama, she finally decided to compete on the beam, absolutely nailed it and has won a medal [minutes before our chat]. I really wanted to be a gymnast...

So that and singing, was it sort of rebellious? 'No, I'm not getting into dressage!'

I would have had a path to a riding career. And I was alright. My mum literally put me on a horse the second I could hold my head up.

She was like an obsessed football dad.

Oh yeah, but I have a natural aptitude for it, I had an easier ride of it than my mum because she now had access to other people's horses, 'can Suzanna ride for 15 minutes?' But I'd always end up on like, their difficult ponies; we couldn't afford a nice pony of our own. And I just never loved it enough.

But it's made me good at it. Eventually I want an acting role that involves riding, because when you watch people riding on TV, they're always shit apart from Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx. I'm always watching going 'they're rubbish!'.

Tom Cruise I can imagine - he's always learning to fly jets or whatever as film prep isn't he. But Jamie Foxx?

Jamie Foxx owns horses. That horse in Django Unchained is his horse. Which I didn't know when I watched it, I was going 'he can really ride! Wow, that's cool.'

It was all there, perhaps you'd be an Olympian now, if you'd stuck with it.

There was a path for me, definitely, but I felt like I wasn't that good. Although I wasn't good at gymnastics but I went 'just you wait.' Alongside that I was singing, and it was patently obvious what I should be putting my energy into. Or schoolwork maybe.

So you didn't make the Olympics, but you had a run-in with the IOC recently.

Oh, it was awful. I'm trying to make dressage accessible: the thing that winds me up is people who go 'it's not sport, this is bullshit, it's stupid.' I appreciate it does look pretty stupid, the riders all in tailcoats. But, honestly, anyone who's ever been on a horse can see what the dressage riders do, it's so hard; I still can't really do it.

Watching dressage riders, I'm thinking it's like Olympic-level nudging.

Basically yeah, but even that doesn't begin to describe it. I think people kind of write it off, 'they're just posh people prancing about.' That's what's annoyed me most in the last two weeks.

I posted a picture today of me with a pony that my mum was teaching a kid on: I posted it saying 'me going to the Olympics in dressage.' Someone immediately quote-tweeted it: 'Oh look, an extremely rich person' - it's never not funny to find out how rich I am, wearing a jacket from New Look.

Our dressage team aren't posh. Charlotte Dujardin - I think people are surprised when she's interviewed, and she talks like me. She's really good for the sport.

And your mum did something similar, making her own way in it?

One of my proudest moments, at a horse show, I was stood next to two people who didn't know who I was. And one of them went, 'Oh that's Anna Kempner; now watch her get the absolute best out of this horse.' I was so proud.

So, your IOC issue, you were doing a Twitch thing?

So yes, I was like, 'right guys, I'm going to commentate live on the dressage, I will break it all down.' And it's about 45 minutes in, about 60 or 70 people watching. Then, just as Charlotte was about to come in - I love her new little horse - I was like, 'Okay, guys, now it's getting really exciting!' And my stream went down, 'your account is suspended.'

Then I had an email that just said 'the IOC have given you a copyright strike.' I was like, 'Oh my god, I've been cancelled by The Olympics, my favourite thing!'

I mean, it's quite a cool thing to happen.

To be honest, the ban was 48 hours. It's because I was showing dressage on the screen.

And they're particularly picky about the broadcast rights this year.

Yeah, I've had to pay for Eurosport to watch the equestrian events.

How are you experiencing this Olympics, with the time difference? Are you staying up and watching it live?

Some of it. I stayed up for a couple of Adam Peaty's races at 4am. I probably do tend to have it just running all night, I wake up every hour. It's not good for my stress levels.

I suppose it's only two weeks every four years. Or five years. Or just three years next time.

I didn't realise how much I needed it until it started, to be honest. Because the news... I try and be quite an upbeat person, but oh, my God. So although I still know what's happening in the world of politics, and it's all a mess, I've also got the Olympics: 'Oh look how much good stuff there is to inspire.'

And it's nearly finished! Why do they cram it all into two weeks?

I'm definitely going to Paris [2024]. I didn't get a single ticket for London 2012 and my mum's bloody dressage friends gave her tickets for everything. So Paris, I'm like, okay, I'm going to put it on credit card, I don't care.'

Or you could get a job in it. I can see you and Clare Balding, presenting dressage?

Ah, she's great. The ultimate would be that I get to be some form of pundit.

Seriously though, there can't be many comedian/presenters who are equestrian experts. Start the campaign now...

It's very much not a deliberate thing, talking about the Olympics, I just love it. In 2012 I was live-tweeting the whole thing when I had about 500 followers. But hey, it's three years to Paris. There's still time. Get me in there.