Ian Smith: My Message to the Kids

Written by: Ian Smith
Published: Tuesday 20th May 2014

Ian Smith ponders whether anyone is really in a position to give advice to children...

A few years ago I was asked to do a speech at a presentation evening at my old secondary school. I said no, because my experience of the type of people who speak or perform in front of school children is that, usually, their careers aren't going as well as they seem to think they are.

Either that, or they bore the shit out of everyone, and thus everyone grows up hating that person, what they do and anything that they can remember associated with them. That's why, even to this day, I hate pole vaulting, won't vote Conservative and can't wear sandals (same speech).

I also said 'no' because there was the small factor that I didn't really feel like I had anything to say to the school children.

I was asked because I'd recently been in a sitcom called Popatron, a show that is almost certainly at the top of everybody's 'should have got a second series' wishlist... in the 'midday on a Saturday' category. While I was pleased to be in the show, one sitcom casting alone didn't make me the superstar comedian and actor that my old school seemed to imagine I was.

Being asked to do a speech by your school is a sort of verification that, from the outside, your life looks like it's going well, when - as was made apparent by the cacophony of egotistical twats that talked at my school - on the inside things could be crumbling to pieces, or everything could just be a big cover up for how much of an arsehole you are.

Anyway. I said no. Or, I thought I said no. What I in fact did do was make up an excuse as to why I couldn't do it and then pretend to be far more apologetic than I actually was. This led to them, clearly affected by my guilt-ridden despair at not being able to do the speech, to tell - not ask - tell me to send in a video speech instead. I was in a position where I couldn't go back on my forced passion, and had to deliver said speech.

So, I recorded a speech that I thought was funny.

They refused to play the speech due to it being 'offensive and sarcastic'.

In their defense, the video did contain the following things: A cigar; A wad of cash; Me lifting weights; Me describing a child as a 'spaz'; Me throwing away a trophy from the school; Me sat inside a fridge; and me having just done a shit. In my defense, I didn't swear, and I was fully clothed for the majority of it.

But the video was fine I think. I didn't know what they expected when asking a comedian to address secondary school kids. A moment of sincerity would just be boring and cringe-worthy, especially from someone that none of these people actually know.

I thought if I could break the tedium of these horrific presentation evenings, that would be great. And the teachers must know they're tedious - there is no teacher who has ever been absolutely enthralled, hands red raw from clapping, fist pumping every full attendance award, and whooping when a book voucher is given out.

It'd be the same for most creative jobs. If I were having a speech delivered to me from a chef, and they didn't come along with cake or a bit of bread to pass around, I'd probably flip over a table and assault them right there and then. It covers all jobs: I'd want a doctor to perform CPR on a kid (ideally needing it), and I'd want an estate agent to describe things in the room as being better than they actually are.

It's not that I don't have opinions on things, but I don't feel like a group of bored 12-16 year olds is the right time to vent all of these out. I imagine they're not concerned with the things I am, and the teachers would probably prefer I swear less. But also, I find my default setting is uncertainty and a borderline apathetic lack of action or urgency. I don't think I'm the person to motivate these children.

I don't know who they are, or what they're going to go on and achieve. When you look at your old school friends on Facebook it seems that the people who were cool and popular now either have a ton of children, or look much worse that you remember. Also, some people who were absolute bastards seem to be earning a lot of money and posting liberal views on Facebook in a full turnaround.

I recently applied to be a face of Kinder chocolate, for a laugh. Even if I had a valid opinion I'm not sure who would listen, as it's hard to see past the silly comedy and the chain of emails demanding Kinder reconsider their stance.

I don't know if anyone is really in a position to give advice to kids. Some of the best advice I've ever heard in terms of comedy is "Don't listen to anyone's advice". That could probably be applied to life too. I image people sort of pick up and do quite well themselves.

I'm not sure what I've said here - but because my show is called 'Anything', it's very difficult for me to write about anything off-theme.

'Ian Smith: Anything' is at the Soho Theatre on Wednesday 21st and Thursday 22nd May 2014. Turn up to see Ian performing stand-up, plus see that 'offensive and sarcastic' video he sent into the school. More Info & Tickets

Here's the trailer that was used to promote Anything at the Edinburgh Fringe: