SKIT COMP 5-12.9.9

Fanx and congrats to... COOL MIKADO for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Cool Mikado
1 - 5 - Otterfox, Bushbaby, Badge, Nigel Kelly

Your new subject: FICTIONAL HEROES (chosen by Mr Sunshine).
Rules:
One entry per person.Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 12.09

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
101 - Chris Forshaw
98 - Fred Peters
98 - Cool Mikado
82 - Charley Rance
79 - Otterfox
79 - Nigel Kelly
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
56 - Timbo
51 - Fred Sunshine
55 - Michael Monkhouse
35 - Afinkawan
31 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
23 - Leevil
22 - Swerytd
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
11 - Geoff Mutton
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
o5 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
03 - Nil Putters
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Craig H
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

EXT. STREET - DAY

Superman strolls down a bustling street, whilst whistling contently to himself.

Suddenly up ahead, a crane [working on a building], drops a giant girder, heading for the busy street below.

Within a flash, Superman rockets towards it.

He reaches the scene, with an over the top fancy landing, but no one looks impressed and this urks him. He examines the damage anyway. As he walks around, he also checks to see who needs help.

SUPERMAN:
Ugly, ugly, minger, dog face, fat, man, man, man, child, ugly, ugly...

He walks past a sexy red head, her foot is caught under some loose rubble.

SUPERMAN:
Babe!

He walks up to her.

SUPERMAN:
Are you OK, ma'am?

RED HEAD:
My foot, my foot is trapped.

Superman picks up the rubble, realizes it's lighter than it looks, starts to pretend it's heavier than it is.

He clears the rubble and helps the woman up.

RED HEAD:
Oh my, you saved me, you saved me.

SUPERMAN:
No, you saved me; you saved me from a night of without you.

She groans in delight at the compliment.

SUPERMAN:
Now lets go, lets get you to a bed!

RED HEAD:
So I can rest?

SUPERMAN:
The only thing that will be resting; is my balls on your chin.

He scoops her up and flies into the sky.

The onlookers grow angry and shout into the sky, damning Superman.

END.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY.

A bustling city street. Shops, cars, buses, etc. We're about 10 feet up or so, looking down on the people passing by for a beat or two, then PUSH IN on a small crowd waiting at a bus stop.

Suddenly, there's a...

FX: WHOOSH!

...accompanied by a rush of air, blowing some litter, hair and the odd hat about. The crowd looks up at the sky as a brief shadow scoots over them. We see them gaze in wonder at something overhead, but the camera stays resolutely pointing down at the people.

MAN 1: (POINTS UPWARDS) Is it a bird?

WOMAN: (PEERING UPWARDS) Is it a plane?

MAN 2: Yes! It's...

The camera tilts up. Our hero flies into view, resplendent in his golden, feathered costume and steel, jet-engined wings...

MAN 2: ... Birdplane Man!

INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Superman is laying in bed looking worst for wear; he is hooked up to a heart monitor and a number of drips and cables run from his body; a very aged looking Lois Lane is sat in a wheelchair holding his hand.

SUPERMAN
[VOICE QUAVERING] Lois, come closer to me.

LOIS
What is it Clark?

SUPERMAN
I've seen so many awful things in my time; so much pain and suffering. I've tried to help people in every way I ever could but now I feel as though I just can't take it anymore.

LOIS
But Clark, you're Superman.

SUPERMAN
I know, I know, but I have feelings too and for all my efforts nothing seems to change. I stop one evil villain then another one comes along sooner than I can change out of my leotard. And now my body just doesn't seem to be what it was.

LOIS
It's ok Clark you'll find a way back, I know you will. You mustn't talk like this, you're worrying me.

SUPERMAN
I'm sorry Lois, but I don't want this life anymore. If I can't stop all of the suffering in the world the only thing I can do is stop my own. [HE CALLS OUT] Doctor?

A DOCTOR WEARING DARK GLASSES AND A DIGNITAS LAB COAT APPEARS FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN HOLDING A BIG SYRINGE WITH FLUORESCENT GREEN LIQUID INSIDE.

DOCTOR
Mr Kent? Are you ready?

SUPERMAN
Yes doctor, I've thought this through and I just can't take this world anymore.

LOIS
No Clark, you can't!

THE DOCTOR HANDS SUPERMAN A WAIVER TO SIGN; HE SIGNS IT.

SUPERMAN
I'm sorry Lois, I just can't go on. (LOIS BEGINS TO SOB) Doctor please go ahead, I'm 100% certain I want to do this.

THE DOCTOR SLOWLY INJECTS SUPERMAN WITH THE LIQUID.

SUPERMAN
I love you Lois.

LOIS
I love you Superman.

HE SLOWLY SLIPS AWAY. THEN THE DOCTOR QUICKLY WHIPS OFF HIS LAB COAT REVEALING A NUMBER OF TENDRILS.

DOCTOR OCTOPUS
Mwah ha ha ha!

LOIS
Dr Octopus?! But you're from Marvel. Nooooooooooooo!

END SKETCH

For radio.

F/X A door is knocked. It begins to open.

MUM
Now Peter, I know you haven't been feeling very well, but I've made your favourite...oh my God.

PETER
Shit. Mum, no, look. I can explain.

MUM
I was going out in ten minutes. You could've waited.

PETER
No, Mum, please.

MUM
Forget it Peter. It's ok. I've read about this. All boys go through these sorts of things. It's natural. I'll just place the sandwich down here...

PETER
Mum...

MUM
And then I'll turn around and head back downstairs.

PETER
It's not what you think.

MUM
It's OK Peter; you're a gimp.

(BEAT)

PETER
What? No! I'm pissing Spiderman.

MUM
You're a gimp. You like rubber. Your father was the same.

PETER
I'm a superhero, Mum; you've just outed me.

MUM
I blame that Pulp Fiction. What was that song? 'Bring out the Gimp'?

PETER
Look, you can't tell anyone. I know I'm only doing good, but..

MUM
(singing 'Bring out the Gimp') duh-duh-duh-duh-duh duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

PETER
Mum, I'm a bleeding super hero

MUM
(singing 'Bring out the Gimp') duh-duh-duh-duh-duh duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

PETER
Right. Look. Look at this.

F/X Whooshing sound

(BEAT)

MUM
Jesus, Peter. That's disgusting.

F/X Hurried footsteps away and downstairs

PETER
(Calling) Mum! Stop! It's just webbing.

=====================================
Kitchen Emergency
=====================================
JOCASTA, IN AN APRON, RUSHES INTO THE KITCHEN IN A STATE OF PANIC. SHE RUSHES AROUND OPENING DRAWERS AND THROWING THINGS OUT, THEN REPEATING WITH THE CUPBOARDS.

JOCASTA:
Where is it? Where? Argh!

SHE STANDS AND PUTS HER HANDS ON HER HEAD.

JOCASTA:
(HOLLERS) Ruuuuuuu-peeeeeeeeeeeeeert!

RUPERT RUSHES IN AND SLIDES TO A HALT.

RUPERT:
What?! What on Earth's the matter, dearest!?

JOCASTA:
I can't find the avocado slicer!

RUPERT:
(AGHAST) What?!

JOCASTA:
It's nowhere to be found!

RUPERT:
But the chicken sandwiches will be ruined!

JOCASTA:
(IN TEARS) I know!

BOTH PUT HANDS ON HEADS

RUPERT:
What are we going to *do*!?

F/X:TRUMPET FANFARE

A MAN IN A SUIT, WEARING A CAPE AND UNDERPANTS OVER HIS TROUSERS LANDS IN THE KITCHEN WITH HIS HANDS ON HIPS. HE IS UNBEARABLY SMUG.

JOCASTA:
Wh-who are you?

MCCM:
(HEROIC) Why, I'm Middle-Class Crisis Man! (BEAT) Averting the meaningless fears of the upwardly mobile from their largely unimportant problems!

JOCASTA/RUPERT:
Thank goodness!

MCCM PULLS OUT AN AVOCADO SLICER FROM HIS BACK POCKET AND HOLDS IT HEROICALLY ALOFT.

F/X:ANGELS CHORUS

MCCM:
Here you go. This will allow you to finish the sandwiches for the buffet without having to schedule in an unexpected trip to Waitrose.

JOCASTA/RUPERT:
Thank you, Middle-Class Crisis Man!

MCCM:
Just doing my duty! (HE SALUTES) Now, if you'll excuse me; a BMW needs a bit of a push in Guildford!

HE RAISES HIS FIST AND SWOOPS OFF.

F/XWOOPING

END

SUPERMAN AND LOIS LANE ARE IN BED. LOIS IS NAKED AND SUPERMAN WEARS HIS CAPE. LOIS IS SMOKING A CIGERETTE AND LOOKS VERY DISGRUNTLED BUT SUPERMAN, HOWEVER, IS LOOKING WELL PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. SHE DRAWS ON HER FAG.

LOIS: Jesus Superman, I heard you were faster than a speeding bullit but that was ridiculous!

THE ADVENTURES OF EXPLODING FACE MAN

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

Parents are stood around waiting for their children to come out. A little girl runs over to exploding face man. He crouches down with arms outstretched. The girl is just about to get to him when his face explodes. He collapses over and the girl is knocked back by the blast and is covered in face.

EXT. DINING ROOM - DAY

Family members and exploding face man stand around the little girl who is about to blow out birthday candles on a cake. She inhales heavily and then exploding face man's face explodes. He collapses forwards into the cake and everyone else in the surrounding area is covered in face.

INT. CLUB - NIGHT

Exploding face man and two friends are stood at the bar with a line of shots each.

MAN
Go!

They all start drinking the shots. Exploding face man picks up a shot, drinks it and then his face explodes. The barman is covered in face.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Exploding face man and a woman are in bed. Exploding face man slowly moves his head down towards her crotch. The woman starts groaning.

Cut to. Outside the window. The curtain is pulled over. There is a distant bang and bright flash inside the room. Face splatters onto the window. The woman can be heard screaming inside the room.

INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT.

BATMAN & ROBIN LEAP OUT OF THE BATMOBILE AFTER RETURNING FROM A MISSION.

BATMAN: A really good night's work, Boy Wonder. Another band of dastardly villains behind bars.

ROBIN: Once again, Gotham City's a safer place, courtesy of Pratman & Robin.

BATMAN: What did you just call me, Boy Wonder?

ROBIN: Why, Pratman.......as in the Caped Crusader.

BATMAN: That's Batman, not Pratman, Wobin.

ROBIN: Wobin? Wobin? Why are you calling me Wobin?

BATMAN: Did I just call you Wobin, Wobin?

ROBIN: Yes, you did Pratman.

BATMAN: That's Batman, Wobin.

ROBIN: You've just done it again....you called me Wobin.

BATMAN: I did, didn't I, Boy Wonder. Wait,..[STROKES CHIN]...this can only mean one thing.

ROBIN: Blimey, Pratman, what's that?

BATMAN: Somehow, Boy Wonder, we've been affected by a mysterious speech impediment....

ROBIN: You mean.....

BATMAN: Yes, Wobin. Some evil-doer is controlling a part of our speech. [PACES THOUGHTFULLY] Each time you try to say Batman, you say Pratman and....

ROBIN: Each time you try to say Robin, you say Wobin!

BATMAN: Exactly, Boy Wonder. But wait....this impediment only seems to apply to our names.

ROBIN: Only our names Pra....erm, Caped Crusader?

BATMAN: Yes, Wobin. You see, earlier in this sketch, you were able to say the word 'Blimey'.

ROBIN: Holy Mackerel! And in your opening line, you said the word 'really'. Gee, Pratman, what are we going to do?

BATMAN: We have to work out which one of our arch-enemies would do such a thing, Boy Wonder. [PONDERS]

ROBIN: [TO SELF] Pratman [CHUCKLES]....Prat Cave [LAUGHS].....Pratmobile [ROARS WITH LAUGHTER FALLING TO FLOOR]

CUT TO: 10 MINUTES LATER. BATMAN & ROBIN ARE KEELING AROUND LAUGHING.

BATMAN: [BREATHLESS] Wobert Wedford, Ha![LOL]

ROBIN: I got another one [SINGS].....'won't you come home, Prill Prailey' [LOL]

BATMAN: Ha! Wichard Wowntree [DOUBLES UP LAUGHING]

ROBIN: What about this, Pratman....Priscilla Presley! Ha!

BATMAN: But that...but that is her real name [BEAT] [HUGE LOL]

ROBIN: [GASPING] So it is [BEAT] Oh no, Pratman...

BATMAN: What is it, Boy Wonder?

ROBIN: I've just....I've just pissed myself laughing.

BATMAN: That's it, Boy Wonder! Wobin, I've just worked out who's done this to us.

ROBIN: Holy Piss-stains, Pratman, Who's that?

BATMAN: The Widdler!

THEY FALL TO THE FLOOR TOGETHER IN FITS OF LAUGHTER.

END.

EXT. STREET

A MAN GRABS A WOMANS HANGBAG AND RUNS.

WOMAN:
Help! Somebody help!

CUT TO A MAN WITH A LONG BROWN LEATHER COAT AND A BLACK HAT. THE MAN TAKES OFF HIS HAT AND IS ABOUT TO RIP OFF HIS JACKET.

CUT TO: THE ROBBER RUNNING WITH THE HANDBAG

CUT BACK TO MAN PREVIOUSLY IN BROWN LEATHER JACKET IS NOW SPORTING A WIG, A YELLOW CAPE, A LEOTARD AND IS PUTTING ON LIPSTICK.

CUT TO: AN ON-LOOKER WITH HIS SON.

AN ONLOOKER:
(Talking to his son)
Look son, it's Dragman!

CUT TO:
THE ROBBER IS ON THE GROUND AND DRAGMAN IS HITTING HIM WITH A HANDBAG.

CUT TO: A MAN IN A BROWN LEATHER JACKET AND BLACK HAT WALKING AWAY FROM THE SCENE WITH LIPSTICK ON.

EXT. STREET

A WOMAN SCREAMS AS HER HANDBAG IS SNATCHED. THE THIEF RUNS OFF DOWN A CROWDED STREET, SHOVING PEOPLE ASIDE TO MAKE HIS ESCAPE.

CUT TO THE FEET OF AN EVERYDAY MAN. HE WEARS A GREY MAC AND THICK GLASSES. HE GRABS THE TOP OF HIS MAC (SUPERMAN STYLE), READY TO RIP IT OFF.

CUT TO OUR HERO RUNNING NAKED (APART FROM A RED TIE) THROUGH THE STREET, AFTER THE CRIMINAL. HIS COCK FLAILING ABOUT AS HE RUNS, PARENTS WATCHING COVER THEIR CHILDRENS EYES.

BYSTANDER:
It's The Streaker!

JUMPING, THE STREAKER RUGBY TACKLES THE BAGSNATCHER. THEY WRESTLE ON THE FLOOR UNTIL THE LAWBREAKER REALIZES WHAT HE'S GRABBING HOLD OF.

THIEF (MUFFLED BY FLESH):
F**k this.

HE FALLS BACK ONTO THE GROUND IN SUBMISSION. THE STEAKER SECURES HIS PRISONER WITH HIS TIE THEN PROUDLY SITS HIS BARE ASS ATOP THE MAN'S FACE.

THE STREAKER (GRINNING):
Smell my justice!

INT. DAY. LIVING ROOM.

A MAN IS BREATHING HEAVILY DOWN A PHONE WHEN THE WINDOW SHATTERS AS ANOTHER MAN DIVES THROUGH THE WINDOW.

SEATED MAN:
My fault, I forgot to open the window, Awkward Man.

AWKWARD MAN:
Sorry. How's your obscene phone line business going Breath Man?

BREATH MAN:
It's going swell and I've got a lucrative sideline inflating bouncy castles.

AWKWARD MAN:
Have you seen Pointless Man?

BREATH MAN:
Yes, he's watching the telly, switched off, of course.

FX DOORBELL.

BREATH MAN:
That's probably the postman.

AWKWARD MAN:
Postman? I'm not sure if I know him.

BREATH MAN:
Not Post Man, the postman.

CUT TO FRONT DOOR BEING OPENED.

Postman:
Could you write your signature here please sir?

AWKWARD MAN:
No.

BREATH MAN:
It's ok, I'll sign for it.

THE TWO MEN LIFT A LARGE BOX INTO THE HOUSE AND PROCEED TO OPEN IT.

AWKWARD MAN:
It's empty.

VOICE:
That's what you think.

BREATH MAN:
I recognise that voice, is that you Invisible Midget Man?

VOICE:
You got it. Hey, I thought this was a fancy dress party, how come you're not dressed up?

AWKWARD MAN:
What the f**k? There's no party here.

VOICE:
Damn that Compulsive Liar Man. Ah well, lift me out guys.

AWKWARD MAN AND BREATH MAN LIFT INVISIBLE MIDGET MAN OUT OF THE BOX.

VOICE:
I'd best be off then.

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES BY ITSELF. THERE IS A SHORT PAUSE THEN THE FRONT DOOR AGAIN OPENS.

VOICE:
Shit! I'll have to get in the box, I'm naked.

THE BOX SHUFFLES OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.

SUPERMAN IS FLYING OVER NEW YORK. HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEE'S WONDER WOMAN LYING NAKED ON HER BALCONY,LEGS APART WRITHING FROM SIDE TO SIDE.

SUPERMAN:
She must want me bad.

HE FLY'S TOWARD HER AT MAXIMUM SPEED. BANG! HE DOES THE THE BUISNESS AND SPEEDS OFF.

WONDER WOMAN:
My God what was that!

THE INVISABLE MAN GETS UP RUBBING HIS ARSE.

INVISABLE MAN:
That f**king Superman, it's the second time this week he's done that!

Old joke that.

THE THREE MUSKETEERS ARE PLAYING ABOUT AND SWISHING THEIR SWORDS.

D'ARTAGNAN

All for one and one for all!

HE SWISHES HIS SWORD

ATHOS

And what's mine is yours...

A MAN APPROACHES.

D'ARTAGNAN

Friend or foe? Name?

MAN
SWISHES HIS SWORD

My name is Noel.

D'ARTAGNAN

What is your quest?

NOEL

Duel or no duel?